BRAVE

   

    Today makes 21 years since my sister lost her fight to Leukemia. She fought hard, honestly did her best at everything life gave her and loved everyone she met deeply, which left an imprint on many hearts.

    I love to remember her for how she lived, not for how she died. And that's not hard to do at all. She made it easy. She was a beauty, inside and out. She had bright sparkling blue eyes, long and wavy golden blonde hair and a smile that melted hearts. She was always thoughtful of others, gentle, and  very compassionate even as a young child. Sarah Marlene was truly delightful in every way. Always generously giving affection and love to the people around her. I am SO proud that she was my sister and so thankful for the many things I learned from her about being loving, thoughtful, strong and brave.

   I was two years older then Sarah. I teased her endlessly, fought over toys, friends and attention. But at the end of the day we climbed into our bunk bed  I would swing down from the top bunk and hanging there upside down we would have quiet conversations about our days, our friends, school, boys and our adventurous plans for the next day. I was always scared at night and would keep her up as long as I could so that i wouldn't feel so alone in the dark.

   For years, truly years, after she died there was so much guilt weighing on my shoulders that I could hardly even bare it. We were both so young when she was diagnosed with cancer, went through years of treatment, months in the hospital, the loss of her beautiful hair and any weight she had to spare. Now, looking back I see that I couldn't process it all at that time, I was too young, I didn't know how to handle or face the truth about what was happening to our family. I never stopped treating her the way every older sister treats their little sister....but then when reality set in, when I knew she was gone, I was filled with so much regret...I couldn't think about the great times shared together without the weight of all the insensitive, heartless and hurtful things I had said or done crowding in and taking over my thoughts. I cried for years over the things I could never take back or even apologize for. I always hated myself for not being a better sister.

My two little best buds. Hope and Lily. 

      But God is SO good. And this is not a story of a bitter soul. It's a story of God's goodness and grace. God in all His perfect wisdom knew that the weight of that burden, the one I refused to let go of with all my might, was too much for me to bear. He gave me my own little Rachel and Sarah. This gift of raising sisters, one just like me, one just like my sister has been a gift my heart treasures. It has brought me peace like nothing else could have. I get to see on a daily basis that Hope loves Lily, Lily loves Hope and at the end of the day no matter what has happened they are sisters. The bond between them has never changed despite sisterly quarrels and differences. At the end of every day there is a deep love that binds them. Seeing that every day has enabled me to give myself some grace and forgiveness. Getting to see them grow up together has been beautiful and priceless.

       Knowing and loving my sister, walking through life with her and seeing how short, fragile and valuable every day we are given is, has changed me forever. I know the deep pain of loss, so I can love and grieve alongside others who are grieving. I know how precious life is, so I hold my kids a little longer every chance I get, we dance, we laugh, we live...and when we fight or have a bad day - I teach them about GRACE. Watching Sarah live joyfully and fiercely in the battle for her life, equipped me to live the same way when I was losing my own daughter... but Lily's story had a different ending and every day of life with her since then has been a gift, one that I will never take for granted. Sarah taught me to love others despite your own pain and situation. That example of continually looking outside yourself to the needs of others has helped me immensely in ministry and life in general. Even though her life was short it taught me some of life's greatest lessons.

    My days are numbered, so are yours. Make this day count. Tell the people you love, just how much they mean to you. Love unconditionally, forgive quickly, don't be to proud to say you are sorry. Extend grace freely and lavish love. It's not about how many days you are given, it's about how you spend them.

     I have many sweet memories stored of swinging in the back yard, red light green light, chasing and riding our sheep, running circles through our first house in Brazil, late night talks, tape recording ourselves singing songs and cuddled up with TV trays watching Saturday morning cartoons with our bowls of cereal. I can never get those years back, but seeing the life Sarah lived and knowing that she ended it reaching her arms out to Jesus with her last breath... That gives me hope for the future\, when I will see her beautiful face again and nothing, not even death will ever separate us.

    Sarah, your beautiful life on this earth will never be forgotten. Thank you for all the love you poured out on me. Thank you for teaching me what true courage and bravery is. I can't wait to see your face, hold you tight and twirl with you again.