"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."
Psalm 73:28
Many of you know that the last six months have been packed full of transitions for the Libby family. And I just HAVE got to say that God Almighty, King Jesus is on the move here and we are so excited for what He is doing! There is no other place we would rather be than jumping right in and being a small part of the amazing work He is doing! He has birthed a beautiful story out of our brokeness. We are still on a journey of faith in this season but (insert a huge sigh of relief) on the exciting end of the valley. The light is breaking through the darkness and even though we are still completely dependent upon the Lord for each step in this adventure we are seeing Him answer prayers in miraculous ways. He is showing Himself and His glory to us in ways we don't even deserve. God Almighty is leading us out into a new season full of confidence soley and firmly rooted in Him and His goodness.As I look out my window I can see the beautiful blossoms that cover my grandparents amazing cherry trees in their orchard. Cherry blossoms are my favorite, they are so delicate, pure, bright and lovely. I am always sad when they die away because in their short lived existence they bring cheer, joy and beauty. But, their death eventually births the life of a delicious and decadent fruit. God does let good things in our life die, but the death of those things can also produce amazing fruit, eternal fruit. And even though the death hurts, what God is doing is good and He is good. I think we could all suffer a little more beautifully if we did it with an eternal perspective; with our eyes fixed on Him and our purpose as opposed to an immediate gratification, earthly, temporary kind of perspective. And even if the whole world falls down around us with eternal persecutive we can say "It is well with my soul! Thank you Jesus that no matter how bad things get, my life is in your hands and my salvation is secure in you."
God has done amazing things in our lives through these transitions, but some of the beauty that we are now rejoicing in came out of the darkest and loneliest moments walked out by our family. As I mentioned in my last post we had already been walking through some dark things but could see how God was using it to shine His light even brighter into our lives. I was absolutely devastated when things took an even darker turn. For the first time in my life I could truly relate to good old Job. I began to wrestle with the question,
"Who am I and what do I believe when God chooses not to rescue me from immense suffering?"
Within a period of about two weeks we went from being in survival mode to being at absolute rock bottom. First, we were told that our son might have cancer and went through weeks of blood tests, ultrasounds and visits with specialists, facing immense uncertainty and fear for Elijah's life. We quickly found ourselves overwhelmed with more medical bills than what we could even afford to pay monthly payments on. That same week, David's grandma had two heart attacks and shortly after joined her husband and sweet Jesus in glory. Then, the sale of our house fell through. Amongst a few other traumatic occurrences it shaped up to be 14 days straight from the pit of hades.
Ironically, it was at that same time that God revealed to us that our time at Morningstar (the church family we have lived alongside and absolutely loved sharing life with and ministering to for the majority of our married life) was coming to an end. God was clearly asking us to step out in faith, into the unknown, with absolutely no plan, just complete dependance on Him.... Guys, that is TERRIFYING! We have four kids! Our son might have cancer! We still have a house payment! So many medical bills! And MOST gut wrenching of all (and completely heart breaking) was the thought of leaving so many amazing people and relationships that we have spent years building and investing in... it makes no worldly sense at all to step out in faith like this, especially at this time! David and I are responsible planner type people, so this was a ginormous leap of faith. But it felt more like we were jumping out of a plane, with no parachute, blindfolded and hoping for the best.
While I was grieving all this change and loss I was also thinking, "Alright, here we are, we have been obedient, faithful and done our best at everything the Lord has given us to do, surely if we just embrace this trial and trust Him He will save us from ALL of this." However, I am learning that there is no magical way to escape suffering. There is no check list of right and good things to do to alleviate it. Sometimes, we just need to walk through the suffering until the Lord rescues us from it. More often than not, the most powerful life lessons and growth happen in the valley of the shadow of death while we wait for Him to rescue us.
From the beginning of the valley until the end I was strongly convicted of one thing. I wanted to live out this time with no regrets. I wanted even our suffering to be beautiful to Jesus. I knew that the only way I could do that was if I hid away and prayed and prayed and prayed. So I did. I wanted to bring God glory even in my brokeness and was painfully aware of my limitations. I withdrew and surrounded myself with anything and everything that kept my eyes on Jesus. I didn't walk through it perfectly, but I do know I walked through it to the absolute best of my ability. And God not only gave me strength and grace when I needed it. He gifted me with insight and understanding to the work He was doing inside of me.
Security is a big deal to me. If you know me at all, I am sure you know that I have moved a million bazzilion times. Our yellow house on Argyle was the home I had lived in the longest in my whole life. I loved that. I long for roots and security and safety. It's woven into my DNA. I feel like for most of my life God in His mercy and love gently removes things that hinder my walk, one or two things at a time, I process those things and see Him replace it with something beautiful, then He begins chipping away at something else. This time it was not so. It was like He just ripped off a bandaid. Taking with it everything and anything that I had put confidence in or placed security in. That left me with a huge gaping wound. It hurt like hell. I was angry and embarrassed that my heart lay exposed like that. But it was the only way that God could have taught me to make Him my absolute everything. I see that even though it was painful it was necessary, my prayer has become that God would give me a completely undivided heart. To be everything God has called us to be, we must be completely reliant and dependent on Him for life, breath, passion, vision, provision and for the direction of every single step. It seems so risky and crazy and maybe we are completely insane, but now that I have experienced the fullness a life completely surrendered and dependant on Him, the security I held onto so tightly seems a bit dull.
Who am I when God does not rescue me from my suffering? I am His. He may not have rescued me when I wanted Him to, but when everything else was stripped away, God stayed. He sustained me, He comforted me, He heard me, He saw me and began to heal and restore my brokeness in the darkness. When everything that my identity had been wrapped in was taken away, He stayed.
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:1a-3
What do I believe when God doesn't rescue me from immense suffering? My belief in Him has never been stronger, because now I am keenly aware that everything in this world will pass away. Nothing is a guarantee. God had generously lavished us with health, a beautiful home, a secure job, amazing ministry and trustworthy friends, but He gives and takes away. It does not change that He is good, blessed be the name of the Lord! Everything we have can fade away, but God's glory and goodness remains through it all. I have never been more confident of it.
"God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me." ...Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:5b-6&8
"for the Lord is good and His love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5
Coming out from under the brokeness with my confidence and faith stronger than ever is blessing enough, but God is just pouring out His blessings on us in the most amazing ways! We feel so deeply called to and passionate about the ministry He has led us to in Corvallis and are literally on the edge of our seats waiting to see how God is going to bring all the details into place. I will be certain to share with you as He does.
For now, I am just thankful that I can say,
"It is well with my soul."
photo courtesy of Ivy & Gold Photography
