Being a thankful Mama

      Every year around Thanksgiving I am reminded of how many things I have to be grateful for. My family, our church, our friends, our home, a smooth transition to a new place, God's magnificent love and grace... we are alive, healthy and safe. We are blessed.

     This year, I am especially grateful for my experience as a mother. Nothing has brought me more joy. Nothing has brought me more heart wrenching pain. Nothing has grown me more as a person, or shaped my view of the world in a more significant way. Watching my kids grow and discover the world in all its wonder is life giving and a beautiful adventure.

    I never knew love like this. My children are their own little people, free, independent, creative and strong minded as well as strong willed. They have their own identities and personalities and thoughts and ideas-  but they are an extension of me. Their joy is my joy, when they laugh I can't help but join in, their wins are my wins and the pride that has them bursting from the seams when they succeed...I am the insane and embarrassing mom yelling and crying tears of joy in the bleachers bursting right along with them. It's a beautiful thing (not the crazy mom moments, the experiences we get to share). On the other side of the equation is the harsh reality that I see their tears and their pain is my pain. When they hurt my heart aches too. I get to feel all the things. With four kids all experiencing different things at every moment of every day, let me tell you, I feel a lot of feely things.

      I sometimes get a little overwhelmed. There is always laundry to be done, dishes in the sink, toys scattered, forts built, meals to be made, errands to run, and many things on my to do list. Often those are the things on the forefront of my mind. But, recently I have found myself savoring all the little moments that I have with my kids. Filing away all the precious things that I never want to forget. Like Sunday's sweet little hands that gently pat my arm and how she always reaches to hold my face in her hands when she gives me little kisses. I love how Lily snuggles in next to me when we read and bursts into laughter every chance she gets. She is a joy giver and her laughter is contagious. She covers her mouth with her hand when she REALLY cracks herself up covering the holes in her smile from her missing baby teeth. Hope is already a lady, and I think because she has all of the sudden become so composed and self aware and full of grace, it makes me treasure the little girl moments that she still has when she cartwheels through the house, pulls Sunday up on her lap, and busts out in song even more because I am literally watching her grow up before my eyes. Elijah calls himself a man boy, I suppose he is. He is getting tall, he is brilliant and he is very thoughtful. He is of the age (middle school) where only Nike clothing is acceptable, his friends are of great importance, and video games dominate his media time. But at night when he has something on his mind, he curls up on the side of my bed and tells me all about his man boy life. He never leaves the house without giving me a huge hug and making sure I hear him say he loves me. These are the moments that I am putting down the dishes to enjoy. You know why? Because every day when I see their little beings saunter to the kitchen table I am thankful for their tiny frames, because they grow too fast. Every night when I hear their little feet running to my room in the middle of the night, I pick them up, wrap them in my blanket and hold them tight, because when they are thirty that's gonna be weird. This time that I have with them; toothless, always hungry, scared of the dark and asking me a million questions every day is limited...  and I don't want to miss a single moment of them still being little.

      So this Thanksgiving I want my kids to know that I am a thankful mama. Thankful to be a part of the messes made in this home, the laughter shared and even the tears. Thankful that they are mine and I have the privilege of shaping them as individuals and watching them grow. Thankful that in our house we laugh, we sing, we say sorry, we forgive, we dance, we fight, we love. I am thankful that we  get to feel all the things together. Lots of feeling all the things. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Mary > Martha

  Luke 10:38-42

"As Jesus and His disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried about many things, but few things are needed -or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

     I have a love/hate relationship with this story. I love the simplicity of it. I love the message. I love that Jesus values the time we spend with Him... love it. What I hate about it is that I am a Martha.  And unfortunately, everything about Martha in this story is me in a nut shell. 

     I love to open up my home, invite people in and make sure everyone feels loved and welcome and cared for. It's pretty much my favorite thing ever.

        I work hard to have a clean and cozy space for people to come in and relax, rest, play games, eat good food, laugh a lot and enjoy each other. I love to cook and clean and serve and love on everyone that comes through my door. It fills me up to lavish my guests in every way I can. I admire that about Martha. She works hard, she cares deeply, she wants everyone to have a good time.  Martha is my girl!

     Here is where Martha and I both miss the point. Even though all of those things are so so so good. There is something even better. Recently, God has ben speaking to me as well...

"Rachel, Rachel, You are worried about too many things. 

Few things are actually needed; to be precise, only one. 

Me. 

All you need is Me.

 

I will help you accomplish what is necessary. Stop powering through in your own strength. 

I will fill your home with my Spirit; that is more precious and powerful than anything else you can offer your guests. 

I will fill you up with my love, so that you can love people with a miraculous love. 

You can accomplish more at my feet, 

listening to my voice, 

positioning your heart to love me and worship me, 

trusting me with your 'to do' list, 

letting me fill you up.... 

than any work you can do on your own.

My power, that fills your being, accomplishes an eternal work, 

which has infinate more value than what you can muster in your own strength. 

So, please. Sit here awhile. Let me fill you. Let me lavish love on you. Let me show you my power and strength. Let me show you that time with me is the best time spent.

I can do immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine.

Let my priorities become your priorities and all your work will have eternal value, purpose, worth.

Nothing will be wasted.

You always choose the right thing when you choose me".

    The more that I listen to His voice, the more I long for time with Him, the more intimacy I crave, the deeper I dive into relationship with Him, the more I surrender. I am by nature a Martha, but my heart longs to be a Mary. I think God knows that and is gently calling me into a new season, 

a season of choosing Him first, saying yes to Him, jumping right in. I am anticipating a grand Spirit filled adventure. Want to come too? It starts at the feet of Jesus. 

 

Pray

Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them and said,"With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."    

      This morning I sit here in my living room that overlooks the forrest. The leaves are turning from green to yellow, orange and red. Sun beams are dancing through the leaves and illuminating the bright and vibrant colors all around. If you would have told me a year ago today I would be living in a cabin, on a mountain, in the woods, with abundant deer, a band of raccoons, a skunk and a crazy little bat.... I probably would have laughed at you.
        I always thoughts that Sarah, Abrahams wife was a little bit of a naughty, cheeky lady... Laughing at God's promise... Not believing that the God of the Universe could give her a baby after years of being barren (Genises 18:10-15). Seriously, she laughed and doubted God's power and goodness... then lied about laughing? The nerve and sass! I used to always read that story and judge her lack of faith and her response to God's beautiful and hopeful promise.
        Oh Sarah, how I get you now. I have seen God do things I never would have imagined possible. As surely as He gave you a son, He has done miracles for us too.  His power and presence has left me in awe and wonder. My faith is stronger, my love for Him is deeper and I know that my limited understanding of His vast greatness and limitless power is never going to be able to fully comprehend the love He has for me, and the way He is capable of fighting for me, and how powerfully He can move. Genises 18:14a "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" 
        Last year, I took some time to think about my deepest longings, prayers and hopes, even dared to dream for the future. I wrote them all on a thick piece of cardboard in fancy letters praying over each individual thing as I carefully penned each letter. I put it up in my room and prayed over each thing on that list day and night. I called it my little prayer wall. I don't believe that that there is any sort of magic prayer formula to get what you want, BUT I do believe that God sees us in our brokeness, He hears the cries of our hearts and our intimate, honest and humble moments worshipping Him and crying out to Him. Those moments stir His heart. And that is a powerful thing. I believe that for years God heard Sarah weep, long and dream of what it would be like to be a mother, to know the love of a son, to hear joyful laughter, to hold a chubby little hand...to have a descendant. I believe He heard her prayers for years and years and saw her in her brokeness and longing, and then delighted in fulfilling His promise and lavishing His love on His beloved laughing Sarah.
        As I prayed over my little list, from truly the depths of my heart, longing to see God move and show us His power, provision and love; something miraculous happened God began to move. He changed me. I let go of things I was holding on tight to and completely entrusted them to Him. That's when God Almighty began reveal His power and precious love for me in ways I couldn't even imagine. He began to bind up my brokeness and wounds, healing me, comforting me, growing my faith in Him. He lifted burdens off my shoulders that I have been under the weight of for five years. He healed my daughter, rescued my son. Freed me from deep bitterness and unforgiveness. Filled me with joy. Gave me confidence where I lacked. I desperately wanted to be more like Him and over time I saw Him uproot unhealthy things, and soften me, and fill me up with His fruit. Galatians 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control." There is power in prayer, in a surrendered life, and an expectant faith. 
         I sit here this morning with a heart full. God has touched every single thing on my prayer list. Every prayer for Dox, for my husband, for my kids, for my own heart, for our home, our future... His fingerprints are on it all. There is power in prayer. If for even a moment you are wondering if God even cares. Let me assure you, HE DOES. He sees you, He hears you and He is moving in your life and all around you for your good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."
        As I sit here this morning, looking out at the forrest and remember how God brought us to this place. Our fixer upper is becoming our dream home. It is kind of the same with my heart. Where things were dead, I see life sprouting up again. Where there was great loss, He has blessed us abundantly. Seeing Him move so powerfully has me praying even more, not to see things go my way - but to see things go His way. His will be done is infinitely better then my will. It's my prayer for you too, that you would see His power moving in you and all around you. He longs to show you great and mighty things, to show His power, to fight for you, heal you, deepen your faith and lavish His great love on you. Don't wait another day, with an expectant faith, and open hands get on you knees trust King Jesus to move, wait for Him to move. He will.
    

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at His right hand in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 1:18-20

Living Outside of Myself

     "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

    My whole entire life, since birth I imagine, I have been a justice woman. I was hands down the most stubborn, persistent and determined child in our family and I wouldn't be surprised if a few of my moms grey hairs, if not all of them, came from me battling, arguing and relentlessly fighting for one cause or another. If I wasn't defending my own case I took up the cause of another and fought for them too. I couldn't help it. It is in my DNA.

      My passion for justice was only fueled when we moved to Brazil. I remember walking to school from our house as though it was yesterday. I had my new Jansport back pack on, my bangs were perfectly teased and hairsprayed to epic hights of perfection, I was proudly sporting my really amazing leggings, high tops and my t-shirt was tied in a knot on my hip. 

     Our house was on the top of a hill, it was surrounded by 12 foot walls with cut glass all along the top to keep us safely inside and intruders out. We had a huge iron gate with spears at the top of it that we kept locked at all times. There was a beautiful vine with yellow flowers that grew up over the wall, the flowers smelled amazing and I remember finding so much comfort in their beauty as we played inside our little fortress. 

         As my dad and I exited the gate and walked down the cobblestone road I could hardly keep up  as I soaked in the views, the colorful walls, all the guard dogs barking behind their gates, the grocery store and all the smells that came with it.... and the amount of flies! Lord have mercy. Once we were off our little neighborhood hill, the cobblestone roads turned to paved ones, and we passed the street market. It was one of my favorite places to go with my dad. It was so colorful and bright with the tents and tables piled high with fruit and vegetables, fish, meat, hanging cow stomach... the works. It was so fascinating. I loved all the vendors calling out and bustling and business that was chaotic but intriguing and absolutely beautiful.  From there we took a right and started to journey through the slums. My private school was just past them, the paved road ended and we walked along the rocky dirt paths lined with garbage and card board boxes, the smell of sewage was thick in the air. People had made make shift houses out of card board, scraps of metal, tin, cinder blocks and planks of wood held together with patches of cement. Children stood shoeless,  with disheveled and mismatched clothes along the side of the road. When our eyes would lock my heart would ache right out of my chest. A drunk man yelled out at us and I picked up my pace so that I was a little closer to my dad but continued to take in my surroundings as guilt welled up inside me for having a better life than every single person my eyes surveyed. I knew that my family didn't have much as missionaries by American standards, I often felt a little embarrassed that I wasn't always wearing new shoes or trendy clothes at school, but as I walked through the favela (slums) I was ashamed that I had  ever felt entitled to such things.  I felt a tug on my back pack, let out a yelp and jumped a mile high. I turned around to see a stray dog pulling on the ends of my black adjustable straps. My dad shooed it away, but it followed us up the hill, yapping and growling all the way. We reached my school and entered through the gates and into another world. A safe world, with beautiful landscaped lawns and fragrant gardenia bushes, palm trees, pristine brick buildings and high protective walls. Although it felt safer, I could never get the harsh contrast of realities out of my mind. On this side of wall we had so much hope, safety, opportunity and a future... on the other side they were just trying to survive today and even as a seven year old it weighed heavily on my heart and burdened my mind. It grew something beautiful next to my passion for justice, a deep compassion. 

        There is great suffering and injustice in the world that weighs heavily; poverty, human trafficking, orphans, wars, starvation, no clean water, slavery, persecution, I could go on and on. We live in a broken world. It is a beautiful thing to love what is right and fight for it. But over the years loving justice  became a burden to me. My focus shifted from the true injustices in the world and more personal offenses began to consume me. As a kid I thought that if I always always always did what was right there was an umbrella of protection around me. Like an equation. Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen when you make bad choices. Suffering was a consequence and if I just lived inside my black and white lines of right and wrong everything would be ok. That seems just to me. 

       But the older I got the more suffering I saw and experienced and the equation I believed in didn't fit. We live in a world full of imperfect people, I am one of them. Suffering is a part of living in a world full of sin and bad things are going to happen to good people. It's the equation of earth. Bad things and good things happen to all people on earth because we are all living imperfectly together. However, when we do good we are likely to have good returned to us, and when we make bad choices we do have to pay the consequences of those choices. That's common sense. But, doing good does not exempt us from the pain of this world, it propels us forward and others forward as we respond to the brokeness around us. 

        As much as my heart still longs for justice in this world I have learned to do what I can and leave the rest to King Jesus. Sometimes our love for justice needs to drive us to our knees and stirs our hearts to action, other times we need to let compassion lead and we develop a greater understanding of what it is to love mercy. When justice isn't possible on earth that's when compassion lathers love on the brokeness of this world. Mercy extends compassion and forgiveness to those who don't deserve it. This is what we are called to do. Act justly. Love mercy. 

       The beauty of God's love is that it doesn't make sense, it doesn't fit any equation. It's a miracle. We are imperfect and don't deserve His love. The greatest injustice that ever happened in this world was that Jesus, the perfect son of God, died so that imperfect humans could be forgiven of sin and called sons of God. As my son said when he was little, "Jesus took our spankings" so that we could reap the benefits of His perfection. If Jesus, the perfect Son of God experienced injustice, why should we be exempt? 

        My tendency is to focus on and fight for justice always and sometimes I miss the point. There is no equation to avoid injustice in this life. The focus instead should be on how I respond to the bad that touches my life, my husbands life, my kids lives, my friends lives.... when bad things happen to us do I love mercy? I have compassion, lots of compassion for people who have faced injustice, but do I love to show forgiveness and compassion to the people who don't deserve it? The ones that have brought on the injustice? 

       I can either choose to be bitter or choose to be better and write a beautiful story. The people who have had the biggest influence and impact on my life are the people that faced great injustice, pain and suffering and pulled themselves up, dusted off, learned from it, grew from it and bravely chose to embrace grace and mercy instead of bitterness. They chose to become better though it, not resentful of it. They allowed the Lord to write a beautiful story instead of letting life's darkest moments dictate who they were and how they would respond. They chose to respond to injustice with mercy and allowed the Lord to bring beauty out of the ashes. That is true courage. Those are lives worth writing about, qualities worth fighting for, things we must teach our children by the way we live. To act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God Almighty, together these disciplines work in perfect unison to help us navigate all that we face in this world and help us write the story God intended for our lives. 

       It is a beautiful thing to love what is right and fight for it. But it is a miraculous thing to love the people who don't deserve your love and is only possible when we are walking humbly with God. His power and lavish love frees us to show compassion, forgiveness and love even beyond our own capability. Justice in this world will only reign supreme when Jesus returns, until then let's choose to live a story greater than ourselves. Everyday the choices we make are leaving a legacy, when we choose bitterness and resentment, our children see it. With all that is within me, I do not want to teach my children to be easily wounded and offended, to be critical and judgmental, resentful and bitter... but how I respond to everyday life is teaching them, even when I am not aware of it. I want my kids to grow in the kind of grace that is humble enough show unmerited mercy, to be quick to forgive, and to be compassionate to those who are broken and hurting, and to love everyone, even their enemies. I want to make a lasting imprint on their lives that stirs up a passion in them to always pursue Jesus, because they have seen a glimpse of Him in me. That is the kind of story that I want to write. Not highlighting the wounds and scars that come with bumping into other imperfect people in this life, but chapters and chapters of God's goodness despite all our brokeness, His strength in my weakness, and Jesus' miraculous love that pours out of me beyond what I am humanly capable of. I want my life to highlight God and His glory in all the everyday things so that I don't miss a single opportunity to be a part of the eternal ones.

       What I learned walking through the slums as a child with my dad was that this world is not just, but every single day we are given the opportunity to make someone else's life a little more lovely. We just have to be looking outside of ourselves to see it. It may seem small, but I have learned to never underestimate the powerful and deep love that is shared when you stand with someone who can't on their own, when you show mercy, compassion, and kindness.... whether it is deserved or not. That kind of love changes lives. I have seen it, experienced it, and have by God's grace been able to extend it. There is nothing more life changing than the love of Jesus.  Nothing more amazing and humbling than being a part of God's beautiful story, by letting His perfect love saturate the pages and chapters of our lives. He can weave every one of our chapters into His story if we let Him. 

        I now have a few justice children of my own and their passion and zeal is definitely giving me some grey hair. I would be lying if I said I didn't delight in their love for justice when it's something that truly matters and not just a fight over how many mini marshmallows the other one got...  Nothing melts my heart more than when their desire for justice extends sweet mercy, love and gentle compassion to the bullied kid on the playground, to the homeless and hungry man on the corner, to their friend who just lost a parent to cancer, when their hearts are stirred to pray for orphans and other people in need. Their passion, spurred by the pure love of Jesus is making them brave and making a difference in the world already. They have moments where they get it and want nothing more than to be a part of God's story. God uses them to remind me that we have an opportunity every single day to make a difference. Who would want to miss out on being a part of something far greater than themselves?

Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God. 

Be a part of His beautiful, eternal love story.

And always make sure the Libby kids get an equal number of mini marshmallows.

            

      

      

     

      

GLORY

     There are moments in time when all the world comes to a halt. Sometimes it happens in tragedy and desperation and other times the world stands still so that God can pass by you and His almighty glory is revealed. The last eight months have been filled with plenty of halts, some of them deviating as I shared in my last post, and some of them miraculously glorious beyond description.

      I have been able to get a glimpse of what Moses must have felt when God's glory was revealed to him. The Lord has stooped down and been so merciful to us. Through these months of transition and uncertainty I pleaded with God to show us His glory, to bring beauty out of ashes. Oh how He has and in great abundance, leaving us overwhelmed beyond words. You would not believe all He has been doing and preparing for us over these months while we waited. It's astonishing, and has left no room for doubt that we are exactly where He wants us to be. 

Exodus 33:17-19 "And the Lord said to Moses, "This very thing that you have spoken I will do, for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name." Moses said, "Please show me your glory." And he said, "I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The Lord.' And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy." 

     I have been so humbled by God's goodness. I feel unworthy and undeserving of the seas He has parted, the storms He has stilled and the fish and loaves that He has multiplied in abundance. Who am I that He would lavish such love on me, pass by me, and let me see His glory? 

    A couple weeks ago the kids and I were driving home from school. They are still attending school in south Salem even though we live way across town as north as you can possibly get, so our commute is about a half an hour each way. The sun was peaking through clouds and spread over the beautiful orchards and pastures as we approached home, but when we looked at the horizon we could see a massive dark cloud in the distance. We pulled over because the contrast between the light and the darkness was breathtaking. As we parked on the gravel shoulder and rolled down all the windows the dark cloud split open and we could see rain pour out of if. We were still sitting in the light. Bright and warm rays of sun enveloped our surroundings, yet we could see the dark down pour just miles away. We all just sat there, in silence and amazement as we saw beams of light surround the cloud and radiate around it. It was glorious. 

     When I got home I poured over the book of Job. God had given us such a beautiful picture of His glory, even in the down pour, darkness and turmoil there His glory is; all consuming, ever present, completely surrounding and all encompassing. We were now on the other side looking back and we could see that He was indeed sovereign, His glorious light never left, He never left. But now we understood His power and His glory like we had never known it before. 

         I was in awe, who am I that the Great I Am, the Sovereign all powerful Lord would be mindful of me?  

"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said..."Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, "Here we are"? Who endowed the heart with wisdom, or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens?" Then Job replied, "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." 

Job 38:1, 34-37 & 42:1-2

       God did not forget us or abandon us. He was all the time working, preparing and unfolding His glorious plan for our lives. Here are just some of the ways God has been upholding us, providing for us and lavishing love on us...

-He provided for us through the hard work and dedication of our amazing accountant.  

-My grandparents have provided a roof over our heads, a place of comfort and rest and beauty. They have loved us, prayed for us and supported us through every turn on this adventure, while providing for our families basic needs. How do you begin to say thank you for such great love? 

-Family and friends have stood with us like an army, holding us up with prayer and the powerful Word of God daily as we waited for the Lord to lead us. 

-Brothers and sisters in Christ have supported us financially and with mighty, powerful prayers throughout this part time season at Dox. 

-We have been welcomed with such a deep, sweet and warm love to Doxology (Our new church in Corvallis, Oregon) that I can't even tell you. We don't even live there yet, but long to be there so deeply because of the love we have for that sweet bride and the love they have extended to us. When we are with them, it feels like home. It blesses me so much I can hardly even hold the tears back. 

-God has provided our dream home for us. Can you even believe it? I can't! Our dream home! If all goes well we are set to close mid July. I want to live there forever. It needs a lot of love, but with time and love it will be everything my heart has ever longed for and prayed for my family. The way God provided for it was comparable to the Red sea being parted. He made a way where there was none. That house is His and always will be, we get to live there and love people in it.  

          I am in complete awe of how God Almighty is continuing to move mountains. The words of Job echo in my mind with gratitude and anticipation every day, "I know you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

    It is mind blowing to me that the God of Moses and Job is also the One that claims me. He knows me by name and is doing miracles revealing His glory in tender and mighty ways every day. As I sit here right now, world halted so that God Almighty, King Jesus can pass by and reveal just a glimpse of His infinite glory to flawed, imperfect and undeserving me - My prayer is that His favor and all His goodness, grace and mercy would mark me, leaving me forever changed. That I would come down from the mountain with His glory reflecting from my face. That His praise would always be on my lips, overflowing from my life and ministering to others so that I will never forget all He has done. My greatest prayer is that I live each day with this knowledge not just in the forefront of my mind but that the truth of who God is would also infiltrate my whole being and reign in my heart governing who I am, how I love and how I live my little moments here until I get to be in His infinite glory forever. 

IT IS WELL

     "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds." 

Psalm 73:28

         Many of you know that the last six months have been packed full of transitions for the Libby family. And I just HAVE got to say that God Almighty, King Jesus is on the move here and we are so excited for what He is doing! There is no other place we would rather be than jumping right in and being a small part of the amazing work He is doing! He has birthed a beautiful story out of our brokeness. We are still on a journey of faith in this season but (insert a huge sigh of relief) on the exciting end of the valley. The light is breaking through the darkness and even though we are still completely dependent upon the Lord for each step in this adventure we are seeing Him answer prayers in miraculous ways.  He is showing Himself and His glory to us in ways we don't even deserve. God Almighty is leading us out into a new season full of confidence soley and firmly rooted in Him and His goodness.

         As I look out my window I can see the beautiful blossoms that cover my grandparents amazing cherry trees in their orchard. Cherry blossoms are my favorite, they are so delicate, pure, bright and lovely. I am always sad when they die away because in their short lived existence they bring cheer, joy and beauty. But, their death eventually births the life of a delicious and decadent fruit. God does let good things in our life die, but the death of those things can also produce amazing fruit, eternal fruit. And even though the death hurts, what God is doing is good and He is good. I think we could all suffer a little more beautifully if we did it with an eternal perspective; with our eyes fixed on Him and our purpose as opposed to an immediate gratification, earthly, temporary kind of perspective. And even if the whole world falls down around us with eternal persecutive we can say "It is well with my soul! Thank you Jesus that no matter how bad things get, my life is in your hands and my salvation is secure in you."

      God has done amazing things in our lives through these transitions, but some of the beauty that we are now rejoicing in came out of the darkest and loneliest moments walked out by our family. As I mentioned in my last post we had already been walking through some dark things but could see how God was using it to shine His light even brighter into our lives. I was absolutely devastated when things took an even darker turn. For the first time in my life I could truly relate to good old Job. I began to wrestle with the question,

"Who am I and what do I believe when God chooses not to rescue me from immense suffering?"

        Within a period of about two weeks we went from being in survival mode to being at absolute rock bottom. First, we were told that our son might have cancer and went through weeks of blood tests, ultrasounds and visits with specialists, facing immense uncertainty and fear for Elijah's life. We quickly found ourselves overwhelmed with more medical bills than what we could even afford to pay monthly payments on. That same week, David's grandma had two heart attacks and shortly after joined her husband and sweet Jesus in glory. Then, the sale of our house fell through.  Amongst a few other traumatic occurrences it shaped up to be 14 days straight from the pit of hades.

        Ironically, it was at that same time that God revealed to us that our time at Morningstar (the church family we have lived alongside and absolutely loved sharing life with and ministering to for the majority of our married life) was coming to an end.   God was clearly asking us to step out in faith, into the unknown, with absolutely no plan, just complete dependance on Him.... Guys, that is TERRIFYING! We have four kids! Our son might have cancer! We still have a house payment! So many medical bills! And MOST gut wrenching of all (and completely heart breaking) was the thought of leaving so many amazing people and relationships that we have spent years building and investing in... it makes no worldly sense at all to step out in faith like this, especially at this time! David and I are responsible planner type people, so this was a ginormous leap of faith. But it felt more like we were jumping out of a plane, with no parachute, blindfolded and hoping for the best.

          While I was grieving all this change and loss I was also  thinking, "Alright, here we are, we have been obedient, faithful and done our best at everything the Lord has given us to do, surely if we just embrace this trial and trust Him He will save us from ALL of this." However, I am learning that there is no magical way to escape suffering. There is no check list of right and good things to do to alleviate it. Sometimes, we just need to walk through the suffering until the Lord rescues us from it. More often than not, the most powerful life lessons and growth happen in the valley of the shadow of death while we wait for Him to rescue us.

           From the beginning of the valley until the end I was strongly convicted of one thing. I wanted to live out this time with no regrets. I wanted even our suffering to be beautiful to Jesus. I knew that the only way I could do that was if I hid away and prayed and prayed and prayed. So I did. I wanted to bring God glory even in my brokeness and was painfully aware of my limitations. I withdrew and surrounded myself with anything and everything that kept my eyes on Jesus. I didn't walk through it perfectly, but I do know I walked through it to the absolute best of my ability. And God not only gave me strength and grace when I needed it.  He gifted me with insight and understanding to the work He was doing inside of me.

        Security is a big deal to me. If you know me at all, I am sure you know that I have moved a million bazzilion times. Our yellow house on Argyle was the home I had lived in the longest in my whole life. I loved that. I long for roots and security and safety. It's woven into my DNA. I feel like for most of my life God in His mercy and love gently removes things that hinder my walk, one or two things at a time, I process those things and see Him replace it with something beautiful, then He begins chipping away at something else. This time it was not so. It was like He just ripped off a bandaid. Taking with it everything and anything that I had put confidence in or placed security in. That left me with a huge gaping wound.  It hurt like hell.  I was angry and embarrassed that my heart lay exposed like that. But it was the only way that God could have taught me to make Him my absolute everything. I see that even though it was painful it was necessary, my prayer has become that God would give me a completely undivided heart. To be everything God has called us to be, we must be completely reliant and dependent on Him for life, breath, passion, vision, provision and for the direction of every single step. It seems so risky and crazy and maybe we are completely insane, but now that I have experienced the fullness a life completely surrendered and dependant on Him, the security I held onto so tightly seems a bit dull.

       Who am I when God does not rescue me from my suffering?  I am His. He may not have rescued me when I wanted Him to, but when everything else was stripped away, God stayed. He sustained me, He comforted me, He heard me,  He saw me and began to heal and restore my brokeness in the darkness. When everything that my identity had been wrapped in was taken away, He stayed.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. 

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:1a-3

        What do I believe when God doesn't rescue me from immense suffering? My belief in Him has never been stronger, because now I am keenly aware that everything in this world will pass away. Nothing is a guarantee. God had generously lavished us with health, a beautiful home, a secure job, amazing ministry and trustworthy friends, but He gives and takes away. It does not change that He is good, blessed be the name of the Lord! Everything we have can fade away, but God's glory and goodness remains through it all. I have never been more confident of it.

"God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me." ...Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:5b-6&8

"for the Lord is good and His love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5

       I have to say, that even though the valley of the shadow of death just about killed me. I would do it all again. I got to see God do amazing things. The Great I Am is in the business of restoration. He redeems and restores brokeness. He completely healed Elijah! Completely. We went in for one of his biopsies and the lumps were gone! Our tax return this year completely covered all the medical bills! God sold our house the same week that David started his new job as Lead Pastor at Doxology in Corvallis! Northwest is best, so glad we are staying in Oregon!

        Coming out from under the brokeness with my confidence and faith stronger than ever is blessing enough, but God is just pouring out His blessings on us in the most amazing ways! We feel so deeply called to and passionate about the ministry He has led us to in Corvallis and are literally on the edge of our seats waiting to see how God is going to bring all the details into place. I will be certain to share with you as He does.
For now, I am just thankful that I can say,
"It is well with my soul."

photo courtesy of Ivy & Gold Photography