Matthew 5:4
This summer has been different than all the rest in many different ways for our family. Until this year we have been at camps all summer and it has been by far the busiest part of our year. But, this year we moved to the most adorable historic town ever, in Ridgefield, Washington. The kids and I have spent our time together getting settled into a new home and a new community. Our sumer has been full of adventure and lazy days. We have worked hard to have some responsible morning routines and then we spend the afternoons together however we want. There have been a few Netflex binge watching days with endless popcorn and popsicles, small town exploring adventures, poolside fun and a very competitive tanning competition, darkest person at the end of the summer gets a prize! We have had lots of laughter, teachable moments, precious deep conversations, and many memorable quiet moments side by side. Its been one of my favorite summers ever, not because of all the grand things we've done, but because we are all loving simply being together.
This morning my home was filled with joy, my kids were laughing, settled, doing their every day summer chores and routines, and completely content and full and GOOD. It's what I have been praying for and pouring all my efforts, love and energy into since the big uproot and move began six months ago. Today has been the first time in six months that I felt like I could give myself permission to process, to grieve and to also wholeheartedly praise and be thankful for how God has tenderly and perfectly carried us to this place.
I have made an effort to not let my kids see me cry sometimes. They have seen me cry here and there over the years, but mostly I love to be strong for them, I love to be a safe, constant and secure place for them, I love to tend to them, I love to let them be as free as they can be from adult stresses, worries and fears. They do see it all here and there, of course, because they live in our home and life isn't always peachy around here, but I have done my best to keep their sweet little hearts from carrying any of my burdens.
My heart filled with joy as I watched my kids feeling so settled and completely at ease in our new space and I crawled back into my cozy bed, wrapped myself up in my beautiful, soft bedding and allowed myself to process all that the last six months have brought us. My pretty white and grey floral pillow case gradually became soaked with my tears as I quietly cried alone in my room.
I grieved the loss of my Grandpa, the loss of our church in Corvallis, the loss of people whom we deeply love, the loss of our dream home on a mountain in the forrest. Grieved the health of family members, and the distance that separates us. I mourned the death of dreams, the loneliness that change and uproot brings, and the loss of all things familiar, the loss of routine, the loss of my Starbucks family, Taco Tuesdays, and the loss of a space where I was known.
I know it's a long list. But, it's a real list. And, I hadn't allowed myself to cry even for one moment about any of those things until this morning for fear that opening the gate would break me. I am an eternal optimist and sometimes that robs me of closure because I would rather be thankful and focus on all the good, and help everyone process and grieve, then take a moment to acknowledge something that's painful for me. I truly have had so much to be thankful for in the last six months that it was easy to be grateful for God's blessing and provision and not let myself be sad about what I was saying goodbye to. However, to not mourn is to not give those things their proper place in my story and life. They were all significant. I loved whole heartedly and I was all in. The easiest way to never have pain or to grieve the loss of such beautiful people, community and life is to not be all in, to not be invested, to not whole heartedly love. But, it is in that space where all the best of life happens. I would rather love deeply and hurt deeply than not live a life full of love. It's not an option for me. I would chose to love and lose it all over again.
As the tears streamed down my face, and I gave each and every one of those things up to the Lord and quietly let go of them one by one in my heart, the door creaked open a tiny bit and my six year old peaked in. I caught a glimpse of her dark brown eye looking through the crack and smiled at her as she slowly crept in. She climbed under the covers and silently wrapped her little tan arms around my neck. Her little hand began to pat my back, and she pressed her cheek up against mine. Sunday just laid there, quiet as can be, she continued gently patting my back with one hand and wrapped me up with her other arm. She didn't say a word, she just let me cry. After a few minutes of silence she swept the hair away from my face and softly kissed my cheek and left the room.
As she walked away I thought about how blessed I am that she saw me cry today. She was the perfect source of comfort for my broken heart. She was able to show deep compassion, kindness, tenderness and love in the most beautiful way. She ministered to me and I got to see my baby girl love in the most gracious and powerful capacity. She shared the love of Jesus with me. The love that stoops down, wraps up and holds tight. I would have missed that if I had tried to hide my tears. I'm so glad I didn't.
How gracious of God to comfort me through the quiet love of my little daughter. How beautiful that in my moment of mourning He faithfully provided comfort in such a meaningful way. I am learning through this season that it is healthy to mourn loss. It's healthy to grieve. There is a season for everything...even a season to let yourself be sad.
When we grieve we look at life more seriously, we evaluate our priorities, we learn what is most important to us and to others. We evaluate ourselves. We give people and seasons of life value and honor. When we look back at what was we acknowledge that God was good then, that He is good now and that He will forever be good. We will always be in seasons, sometimes in more than one at a time. The one constant, the thing that never changes, and forever remains the same is that God's promises are true. All of them.
The thing that I am most thankful for is the unshakeable and immovable peace that David and I have in this season. It has been a crazy six months, but there is nothing more powerful than the peace that comes with God's calling and our obedience to it. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. I am certain of it and overwhelmed with gratitude at God's perfect provision and deep love for us. We have felt loved, welcomed and invited into community here and into what God is doing in this city and in our church. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of the community here at Summit View. I'm thankful and blessed by natural, sincere and deep instantaneous friendships. I love where God has brought us. It is an odd space for me to live in at the moment - I'm mourning leaving a place and a people I love but simultaneously excited more than ever to be exactly where we are, doing exactly what God has made us to do and so thankful and overjoyed in this new season and adventure.
God never leaves us without hope when our eyes our fixed on Him. Our story has always been and always will be one that testifies to the goodness and lavish love of an Almighty God in the everyday parts of our ordinary lives. What a gift that today I can mourn, and be comforted AND I can be full of immense gratitude and joy, completely thrilled for what's ahead all at the same time. That's proof of an extrodinary God's presence in an ordinary girls life.
