Sleeplessly Praying His Will

In the last three months I have had trouble sleeping. This is a new thing for me. I’ve been awake many nights, WIDE EYED. Lord, have mercy. I think it’s safe to say that for many years sleep has become an idol for me -I LOVE, love, love sleep and need sleep. Without it I have been known to be a little, how should I put this, grizzly bearish in the past. 

I have chosen (most moments) to use my time awake well. I’ve only lost my mind and let my mouth run away from me twice in three months which is a miracle for me because those of you who know me, know I need a solid 8-12 hours to function and be kind. So, I’ve grown! It’s kind of like I have a new super power - I can not sleep AND be nice to my husband and kids. 😜 Imagine that. This is new territory for me. It’s the power of Jesus, friends. Also, I’ve only yelled once (one of my two weak moments noted above) at David for waking me up, which also feels like win because in all fairness... Come On! This girl needs her beauty/sanity sleep! And the ONE night I am actually sleeping is not a good one for you to be awake - So, Please. Do. Not. Turn on lights, take a shower and steal my covers at 1:30 am. Just because you were up having good time with the Lord doesn’t mean I need to this night in particular as well. You know what I’m saying?!!! (But actually, maybe, probably, pray for David until I can sleep again... at some point in my life, hopefully soonish.)

Anyway.... sorry, I got distracted with my little rant. I don’t want to waste my awake time trying to fall back asleep because nothing is more maddening then lying in bed, trying to sleep as seconds, minutes and torturous hours pass. So, I’ve decided to be intentional and purposeful with this God ordained and unexpected quiet time I’ve become well aquatinted with in the middle of the night. There are few quiet moments in my house in this season... I have a busy and full life; four very enthusiastic, entertaining and theatrical children, and a husband with a high calling and full schedule. Most of my day from dawn til about 9 at night = full of crazy, busy, chaotic, beautiful, messy life. I wouldn’t want it any other way a solid 98% of the time, I have a glorious and good life. Real talk though, 2% of the time I desperately strive to create space for a peaceful, restorative moment to collect my thoughts and composure to be able to handle (with grace, firmness and a kind, calm tone of voice) the insanity that is three children full of hormones under one roof plus one free spirit. Bless. So instead of being bitter about these still and sleepless, quiet moments - I’m using them to seek the Lord, saturate in His Word, ponder and pray. 

Friends, I will be honest with you. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Sometimes life is just hard and circumstances are hard and that is just a part of being alive. It’s not always tidy - life can be messy and what we do with that mess is everything.

Last night as I laid wide awake in bed, I found myself going over my day and wrestling through different moments. As I processed and prayed, moment by moment I sought the Lord, invited Him in and asked Him over and over again to show me His will. 

There are three reasons that this has become one of my most fervent prayers:

1. His will is perfect, pure and always best
2. Once I know His will - it will define my will. What I want in the deepest part of my soul is to align with Him. His desires for me become my desires for me. 
3. When I am praying His will and it is also the desire of my heart - God moves. The God of the universe MOVES on my behalf! 

This is just a short and simple truth that I want to share with you today. Prayer changes everything. Prayer changes us. Prayer moves the heart of God and captures His attention. Prayer changes our circumstances. Prayer has the power to change our every day lives in extraordinary ways.

I’m not saying “Friends, throw up your wishlist to the Father -it’s awesome!”

I am saying...

Friends!!!! Seek the heart of God!!! Know Him. Know His ways. Know His truth. Pour out your heart and the inner workings of your soul and all your hearts desires before Him -surrendered- with open hands and say, “God, this is me at the essence of my being, please would you move? Would you change my heart in any and every way that it does not reflect you? Would you shift my thoughts so that they are completely in line with yours? Would you shape my deepest desires and requests to be motivated and empowered by your Holy Spirit? Please align my will with yours because I trust you and I know the plans you have for me are GOOD. And God, when you reveal your desires, will and plan for me would you also give me every ounce of courage, humility, and grace to walk out your will in obedience, bravery and love. Amen!!!!” Amen!!!! Right?!

Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven...

In my heart as it is in heaven. 

In my mind as it is in heaven. 

In my soul as it is in heaven.

In my sleeplessness as it is in heaven. 

In my home as it is in heaven.

In my church as it is in heaven.

In my everyday life Jesus - Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

When that is the cry of our hearts. When that is our desire, our hope our prayer and what we strive for... God moves.

My prayer is that we would approach His throne today with humility, surrender, joy, honesty and overall the willingness to bend to His perfect will. In that beautiful place of intentional, vulnerable prayer would He move... Would the countenance of our faces and our souls reflect the glory of God - because where He is moving His glorious light cannot be contained. Would that light be evident in our lives today and would it flow from precious moments intentionally set aside to powerfully pray His will.

Would we pray - and then wait and watch Him move.

Keep being kept full

      One of my very favorite things of life is New Years Eve. Every year our home is filled with people we deeply love, who come from many different places to be with us. Over time we have established traditions at this event that have become non-negotiable: 

1. The People

Several of them are very polite and lovely Canadians. Some of them English, they tend to be the most entertaining when it comes to story time. Others come from different seasons of life and ministry here in the Pacific Northwest and they have been woven into our hearts and lives in a very meaningful way. A lot of these people have become our family. I would literally have to write an entire book to tell you how many ways God has used them to significantly shape and grow my life, faith, love and family. All that to say, one of my very favorite things about New Years it that it brings together very important people from different seasons of my life, that truly know me and choose to love me still... and that has been life to me.

 2. Food 

To know me, and to love me,  is to know the order of loves in my life.

- God 

- Family & Food

- Friends, Ministry/Community & Food

- Scaring people, Dance parties & Food

- Decor, Fashion, Frye boots, Cozy blankets, Fresh flowers, Candles & Food

This is me. Well, I suppose it's all the surfacy things you need to know about me in a nutshell to understand my values, priorities and functions.  

You can be sure that if you come into my home, or to any event that I plan, there will be quality food to eat while intentional and purposeful moments are spent building community and deepening relationships. Food is the vessel that opens the door in my home for beautiful life and ministry moments to happen. Therefore, there must be food and lots of it on New Years... but in general, please know this, there is always food at my house, and ALWAYS an extra seat or two or ten at our table.

3. Games and a Glow stick dance party!!!! 

(much to David's dismay and my delight this has become a primary non-negotiable)

I love anything and everything that brings people together, that makes people laugh and that has the potential to maybe get a little out of hand.... competition and glow sticks can bring out the best... and the craziest in people. And that my friends, is what unforgettable moments and lifelong memories are made of. 

4. Intentional moments

This part looks a little different every year, but it's probably my most favorite thing. Last year, after our dance party and New Years cheers, we turned all the couches towards the big windows to watch the snow fall in the forest through the glowing strung lights outside... as we shared embarrassing stories, some embarrassing poop stories (please take note of my reference above to my English friend and her ability to shine at story time).

 ... Actually, let me just pause right here to say, please don't judge my friends... 

Not all of them have poop stories... but as my wise and profoundly deep friend Emma says, in her perfectly elegant english accent, "If you don't yet have a poop story... just know this... It's coming for you!" So, I guess I should say, not all of them have poop stories...yet. 

After sharing embarrassing moments and laughing until tears were streaming down our faces, some of us doubled over in side pain, we eventually simmered down and the night naturally turned to a deeper moment of conversation where we sincerely shared some of our hopes and thoughts and fears as we stepped into a new year. I love how God uses beautiful souls in those tender moments to rally together and bring life to His people. Those are the kind of moments that I live for - authentic, vulnerable, and real moments where iron sharpens iron, where people hold each other up, speak life over and sometimes even believe for you, on your behalf, that God is always moving, always faithful and always good.

This year as we gathered under the stars and around a fire. I looked into the glowing faces of people I love so deeply and just let that moment and those people be everything it was meant to be. We all huddled close to keep warm as the fireworks lit up the night sky and my soul was overwhelmed with this immense hope and deep gratitude. Life is such a grand adventure and God always has so much more for us then we could ever comprehend. Even when life shakes, everything changes, and our worlds fall apart, we can be certain of this: He is good -  And walking with Him through it all brings us to His best for us. Even in this broken world - He is always working for our good... Nothing makes me more hopeful for my future and more grateful for my past, because I know this to be true.

---

        Last year, as I sat on the couch  and laughed and cried with people I loved,  I had no idea what 2017 would bring. I could not have even imagined where life would take us and what God had in store. Last year ended up being full of endings and goodbyes. Right along with that came new beginnings and God-orchestrated hellos. I would have never thought, even for a second, that this year we would be ringing in 2018 in a new city, at a new church, in a new home, new schools...... huddled up close to precious new faces, right next to the familiar faces that have grown with us through the years. God knew. And you know what?! That's sometimes all that matters. His plans are perfect.  Right now, as I step into this new year, I am exactly where I want to be - a part of His plan and instep with His will. I wouldn't change a thing. 

        I'm glad I didn't know all that 2017 was bringing with it. It would have robbed me of priceless, beautiful moments.  I am certain that if I had known we were going to leave Corvallis, I would not have whole heartedly planted my heart in that place with those beautiful people. I would have missed out on some of the best lessons, growth opportunities, friendships and moments of life for my own self preservation. I feel the exact same about this year. I have no idea what it holds, and I don't want to know. I am planting myself here, investing my heart, gifts and love... and I'm ready to walk the path He has set before me. I am ready for the lessons, ready for the growth, ready for the friendships and ready for all the moments that this year has for me. I don't want to miss out on a single thing - I want to experience it fully, one day at a time, one moment at a time. 

       As I venture out into the wilderness of the unknown this year, totally aware of the fact that when you live a life surrendered to Him you never really know where He is going to take you, or who He might be taking you to - I am going to be all in. As I have prayed over this year, and the grand and wild adventure it's already shaping up to be, what I am certain of is this - He is good and His plans for me are good. 

      I am not just saying that in a flippant way or because it's what you are supposed to say when you are a Christian. I am saying it because, I truly believe that as I cast my heavy, anxious thoughts and fears upon Him about this year - His wisdom, strength and faithfulness will direct each one. Time after time His way, even through the Valley of death has been the very best way for me and I trust Him. We've had enough life experience, redirection, and rescue missions (when I stray) and so many seasons of high points and low points together for me to know, without a shadow of doubt, that He is who He says He is and I can trust Him and His goodness. 

      Psalm 119:66, 68 "Teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I trust your commands. You are good and what you do is good; teach me your decrees." 

    Psalm 116:12 "What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?"

     As I reflect on His goodness throughout my life, I only want to know more of it and also be continually  transformed by it. His goodness has already changed and the course of my life. I also want to reflect His perfect goodness. As I have thought over what this means for me, and how I should respond to it, a little saying keeps surfacing in my mind. Keep being kept full. 

            This year, to accomplish all He has for me, this must be my highest priority.

Keep being kept full. 

          It's an everyday choice. The more I diligently study and soak up the truths of God's Word, spend time in His presence, invite the Holy Spirit into every part of my day and seek His knowledge, judgement and truth, the more I have to continually give. It's not a one time filling, its a continual filling that never gets stagnant and never dries up - filling up and pouring out from a source that is fresh, alive and powerful. It flows out in miraculous forms of undeserved grace, extravagant faith, unconditional love, and perfect goodness.... and that is what I want flowing from me this year - more authentically then ever. 

        Here's to my year of pursuit, of diligence and bravery to be everything He is calling me to be... without fear. 

And here's to your year too! 

      May we all laugh until we cry, love at a greater capacity than ourselves, eat good food around a table full of humans we love, have intentional moments that point to eternity, be continually filled and have at least one glow stick dance party. 

Happy New Year!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13