Sleeplessly Praying His Will

In the last three months I have had trouble sleeping. This is a new thing for me. I’ve been awake many nights, WIDE EYED. Lord, have mercy. I think it’s safe to say that for many years sleep has become an idol for me -I LOVE, love, love sleep and need sleep. Without it I have been known to be a little, how should I put this, grizzly bearish in the past. 

I have chosen (most moments) to use my time awake well. I’ve only lost my mind and let my mouth run away from me twice in three months which is a miracle for me because those of you who know me, know I need a solid 8-12 hours to function and be kind. So, I’ve grown! It’s kind of like I have a new super power - I can not sleep AND be nice to my husband and kids. 😜 Imagine that. This is new territory for me. It’s the power of Jesus, friends. Also, I’ve only yelled once (one of my two weak moments noted above) at David for waking me up, which also feels like win because in all fairness... Come On! This girl needs her beauty/sanity sleep! And the ONE night I am actually sleeping is not a good one for you to be awake - So, Please. Do. Not. Turn on lights, take a shower and steal my covers at 1:30 am. Just because you were up having good time with the Lord doesn’t mean I need to this night in particular as well. You know what I’m saying?!!! (But actually, maybe, probably, pray for David until I can sleep again... at some point in my life, hopefully soonish.)

Anyway.... sorry, I got distracted with my little rant. I don’t want to waste my awake time trying to fall back asleep because nothing is more maddening then lying in bed, trying to sleep as seconds, minutes and torturous hours pass. So, I’ve decided to be intentional and purposeful with this God ordained and unexpected quiet time I’ve become well aquatinted with in the middle of the night. There are few quiet moments in my house in this season... I have a busy and full life; four very enthusiastic, entertaining and theatrical children, and a husband with a high calling and full schedule. Most of my day from dawn til about 9 at night = full of crazy, busy, chaotic, beautiful, messy life. I wouldn’t want it any other way a solid 98% of the time, I have a glorious and good life. Real talk though, 2% of the time I desperately strive to create space for a peaceful, restorative moment to collect my thoughts and composure to be able to handle (with grace, firmness and a kind, calm tone of voice) the insanity that is three children full of hormones under one roof plus one free spirit. Bless. So instead of being bitter about these still and sleepless, quiet moments - I’m using them to seek the Lord, saturate in His Word, ponder and pray. 

Friends, I will be honest with you. Yesterday was a rough day for me. Sometimes life is just hard and circumstances are hard and that is just a part of being alive. It’s not always tidy - life can be messy and what we do with that mess is everything.

Last night as I laid wide awake in bed, I found myself going over my day and wrestling through different moments. As I processed and prayed, moment by moment I sought the Lord, invited Him in and asked Him over and over again to show me His will. 

There are three reasons that this has become one of my most fervent prayers:

1. His will is perfect, pure and always best
2. Once I know His will - it will define my will. What I want in the deepest part of my soul is to align with Him. His desires for me become my desires for me. 
3. When I am praying His will and it is also the desire of my heart - God moves. The God of the universe MOVES on my behalf! 

This is just a short and simple truth that I want to share with you today. Prayer changes everything. Prayer changes us. Prayer moves the heart of God and captures His attention. Prayer changes our circumstances. Prayer has the power to change our every day lives in extraordinary ways.

I’m not saying “Friends, throw up your wishlist to the Father -it’s awesome!”

I am saying...

Friends!!!! Seek the heart of God!!! Know Him. Know His ways. Know His truth. Pour out your heart and the inner workings of your soul and all your hearts desires before Him -surrendered- with open hands and say, “God, this is me at the essence of my being, please would you move? Would you change my heart in any and every way that it does not reflect you? Would you shift my thoughts so that they are completely in line with yours? Would you shape my deepest desires and requests to be motivated and empowered by your Holy Spirit? Please align my will with yours because I trust you and I know the plans you have for me are GOOD. And God, when you reveal your desires, will and plan for me would you also give me every ounce of courage, humility, and grace to walk out your will in obedience, bravery and love. Amen!!!!” Amen!!!! Right?!

Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven...

In my heart as it is in heaven. 

In my mind as it is in heaven. 

In my soul as it is in heaven.

In my sleeplessness as it is in heaven. 

In my home as it is in heaven.

In my church as it is in heaven.

In my everyday life Jesus - Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

When that is the cry of our hearts. When that is our desire, our hope our prayer and what we strive for... God moves.

My prayer is that we would approach His throne today with humility, surrender, joy, honesty and overall the willingness to bend to His perfect will. In that beautiful place of intentional, vulnerable prayer would He move... Would the countenance of our faces and our souls reflect the glory of God - because where He is moving His glorious light cannot be contained. Would that light be evident in our lives today and would it flow from precious moments intentionally set aside to powerfully pray His will.

Would we pray - and then wait and watch Him move.

Keep being kept full

      One of my very favorite things of life is New Years Eve. Every year our home is filled with people we deeply love, who come from many different places to be with us. Over time we have established traditions at this event that have become non-negotiable: 

1. The People

Several of them are very polite and lovely Canadians. Some of them English, they tend to be the most entertaining when it comes to story time. Others come from different seasons of life and ministry here in the Pacific Northwest and they have been woven into our hearts and lives in a very meaningful way. A lot of these people have become our family. I would literally have to write an entire book to tell you how many ways God has used them to significantly shape and grow my life, faith, love and family. All that to say, one of my very favorite things about New Years it that it brings together very important people from different seasons of my life, that truly know me and choose to love me still... and that has been life to me.

 2. Food 

To know me, and to love me,  is to know the order of loves in my life.

- God 

- Family & Food

- Friends, Ministry/Community & Food

- Scaring people, Dance parties & Food

- Decor, Fashion, Frye boots, Cozy blankets, Fresh flowers, Candles & Food

This is me. Well, I suppose it's all the surfacy things you need to know about me in a nutshell to understand my values, priorities and functions.  

You can be sure that if you come into my home, or to any event that I plan, there will be quality food to eat while intentional and purposeful moments are spent building community and deepening relationships. Food is the vessel that opens the door in my home for beautiful life and ministry moments to happen. Therefore, there must be food and lots of it on New Years... but in general, please know this, there is always food at my house, and ALWAYS an extra seat or two or ten at our table.

3. Games and a Glow stick dance party!!!! 

(much to David's dismay and my delight this has become a primary non-negotiable)

I love anything and everything that brings people together, that makes people laugh and that has the potential to maybe get a little out of hand.... competition and glow sticks can bring out the best... and the craziest in people. And that my friends, is what unforgettable moments and lifelong memories are made of. 

4. Intentional moments

This part looks a little different every year, but it's probably my most favorite thing. Last year, after our dance party and New Years cheers, we turned all the couches towards the big windows to watch the snow fall in the forest through the glowing strung lights outside... as we shared embarrassing stories, some embarrassing poop stories (please take note of my reference above to my English friend and her ability to shine at story time).

 ... Actually, let me just pause right here to say, please don't judge my friends... 

Not all of them have poop stories... but as my wise and profoundly deep friend Emma says, in her perfectly elegant english accent, "If you don't yet have a poop story... just know this... It's coming for you!" So, I guess I should say, not all of them have poop stories...yet. 

After sharing embarrassing moments and laughing until tears were streaming down our faces, some of us doubled over in side pain, we eventually simmered down and the night naturally turned to a deeper moment of conversation where we sincerely shared some of our hopes and thoughts and fears as we stepped into a new year. I love how God uses beautiful souls in those tender moments to rally together and bring life to His people. Those are the kind of moments that I live for - authentic, vulnerable, and real moments where iron sharpens iron, where people hold each other up, speak life over and sometimes even believe for you, on your behalf, that God is always moving, always faithful and always good.

This year as we gathered under the stars and around a fire. I looked into the glowing faces of people I love so deeply and just let that moment and those people be everything it was meant to be. We all huddled close to keep warm as the fireworks lit up the night sky and my soul was overwhelmed with this immense hope and deep gratitude. Life is such a grand adventure and God always has so much more for us then we could ever comprehend. Even when life shakes, everything changes, and our worlds fall apart, we can be certain of this: He is good -  And walking with Him through it all brings us to His best for us. Even in this broken world - He is always working for our good... Nothing makes me more hopeful for my future and more grateful for my past, because I know this to be true.

---

        Last year, as I sat on the couch  and laughed and cried with people I loved,  I had no idea what 2017 would bring. I could not have even imagined where life would take us and what God had in store. Last year ended up being full of endings and goodbyes. Right along with that came new beginnings and God-orchestrated hellos. I would have never thought, even for a second, that this year we would be ringing in 2018 in a new city, at a new church, in a new home, new schools...... huddled up close to precious new faces, right next to the familiar faces that have grown with us through the years. God knew. And you know what?! That's sometimes all that matters. His plans are perfect.  Right now, as I step into this new year, I am exactly where I want to be - a part of His plan and instep with His will. I wouldn't change a thing. 

        I'm glad I didn't know all that 2017 was bringing with it. It would have robbed me of priceless, beautiful moments.  I am certain that if I had known we were going to leave Corvallis, I would not have whole heartedly planted my heart in that place with those beautiful people. I would have missed out on some of the best lessons, growth opportunities, friendships and moments of life for my own self preservation. I feel the exact same about this year. I have no idea what it holds, and I don't want to know. I am planting myself here, investing my heart, gifts and love... and I'm ready to walk the path He has set before me. I am ready for the lessons, ready for the growth, ready for the friendships and ready for all the moments that this year has for me. I don't want to miss out on a single thing - I want to experience it fully, one day at a time, one moment at a time. 

       As I venture out into the wilderness of the unknown this year, totally aware of the fact that when you live a life surrendered to Him you never really know where He is going to take you, or who He might be taking you to - I am going to be all in. As I have prayed over this year, and the grand and wild adventure it's already shaping up to be, what I am certain of is this - He is good and His plans for me are good. 

      I am not just saying that in a flippant way or because it's what you are supposed to say when you are a Christian. I am saying it because, I truly believe that as I cast my heavy, anxious thoughts and fears upon Him about this year - His wisdom, strength and faithfulness will direct each one. Time after time His way, even through the Valley of death has been the very best way for me and I trust Him. We've had enough life experience, redirection, and rescue missions (when I stray) and so many seasons of high points and low points together for me to know, without a shadow of doubt, that He is who He says He is and I can trust Him and His goodness. 

      Psalm 119:66, 68 "Teach me knowledge and good judgement, for I trust your commands. You are good and what you do is good; teach me your decrees." 

    Psalm 116:12 "What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?"

     As I reflect on His goodness throughout my life, I only want to know more of it and also be continually  transformed by it. His goodness has already changed and the course of my life. I also want to reflect His perfect goodness. As I have thought over what this means for me, and how I should respond to it, a little saying keeps surfacing in my mind. Keep being kept full. 

            This year, to accomplish all He has for me, this must be my highest priority.

Keep being kept full. 

          It's an everyday choice. The more I diligently study and soak up the truths of God's Word, spend time in His presence, invite the Holy Spirit into every part of my day and seek His knowledge, judgement and truth, the more I have to continually give. It's not a one time filling, its a continual filling that never gets stagnant and never dries up - filling up and pouring out from a source that is fresh, alive and powerful. It flows out in miraculous forms of undeserved grace, extravagant faith, unconditional love, and perfect goodness.... and that is what I want flowing from me this year - more authentically then ever. 

        Here's to my year of pursuit, of diligence and bravery to be everything He is calling me to be... without fear. 

And here's to your year too! 

      May we all laugh until we cry, love at a greater capacity than ourselves, eat good food around a table full of humans we love, have intentional moments that point to eternity, be continually filled and have at least one glow stick dance party. 

Happy New Year!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

This is it.

     So, funny story. I've been up since 2:30am. Apparently sometimes night time meds have the opposite effect. When I can't sleep, I pray. Then sometimes after that I'm inspired and I can't sleep until I write. When I'm done writing, I make sweet potato and pecan spice pancakes for my kids with a side of bacon, coffee for my husband and all four lunches packed and ready to go too all before any alarm clocks go off. Am I good or what? Just when I was feeling like the worlds most productive and highest achieving super mom, a little bacon grease spills out of the pan and all the fire alarms go off in our house, startling and waking up my entire family. It woke David up and he jumped out of bed, ran downstairs and bursted into laughter and shook his head when he saw my wired,  twitching,  wide eyed face flipping pancakes and waving a towel under the fire alarm. He then, got a bloody nose due to the fright and I, right there on the spot, received my wife and mother of the year award and took a graceful bow. How was your morning? 

     Before all the drama and in the quiet of the night God met me in my prayer time and lit a fire in my soul. It was in the still silence that I found clarity of thought and heard His voice louder than any other.  This is what flowed from my precious moments with Him.

*Disclaimer - when you are reading all caps please translate that as excitement and enthusiasm in my voice. I promise I’m not yelling at you. (I would never yell at you, Carol.) Disclaimer number two, I'm going to bed after writing this, so please forgive any and all typos in advance. 

    

  I have been consuming all kinds of sinus meds for a week now. Day time, night time... every size and color of pill you can imagine, I’ve gagged so many times trying to get those babies down  ...  it's pitiful  Too much? Sorry! It’s just my life right now people. Anyway, here I am at 4 in the morning, writing this to you. Am I delusional? Possibly. Am I lacking in sleep, most definitely. Am I at my very best? Nope. Friend, It’s four a.m. and I've already been up for an hour and a half!!! I haven’t slept through the night in three weeks now, and I am a sleep girl. I love my sleep right under I love God and Family - sleep and food tie at third for my hearts affection. When I don’t sleep I’m like a bear that got woken up mid hibernation and unfortunately for you... I just might eat you alive, watch yourself. However, this season of lack of sleep has been different. It’s been a blessing in disguise. Every time I can’t sleep I listen to the word of God, I pray, I worship. In the mornings I have been sustained by the grace of Jesus and filled with supernatural patience and love for those who may or may not have disturbed my sleep.

Tonight I am wide awake praying over my life, my family, my church, this season. Over and over again the last three weeks the same thing keeps coming into my head when I am on my face in prayer and it is this....

You were made for such a time and such a season as this.

     I believe this isn’t just for me. It’s for you too. We were made, hand crafted by God Almighty to live on this earth, right now, in this season and span of time. That is no accident. It’s God’s beautifully orchestrated plan. Not only were we made for this time, we have been called to bear his light and love to these generations of humans walking the earth right at this very moment. Don’t let that truth bring fear or feelings of intimidation or inadequacy. Where God calls... He equips. He is faithful.

God has made you and I with great purpose. No one has your skill set, passions, abilities, gifts, your family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, contacts, your surroundings, your job... just you.

     We need to be in His Word, on our knees in prayer, on our faces in worship... filling up - to pour out. We have been chosen by God Almighty to live a sacrificial life of love in this day and age. By this I don’t mean you’ve been called to be the Holy Spirit. Nope. Just don’t even go there. Let all conviction come from Him alone. We were called to live a life of love, obedience and sacrifice. That looks like us pouring out love, speaking truth in love and preferring others above ourselves with intentional love (even and especially preferring the unlovely). It also means we are called to embrace and invite the poor, the sinners, the proud, the unkind, the insecure, and the outcasts, the awkward, the annoying the different people IN. We aren't just asked to invite them in, we are asked and called to meet them wherever they are at.... we all have a seat available for us at the table. Amen?! Praise Jesus. Let's not miss an opportunity to invite someone to the feast at King Jesus' table. When we find Him, we find Home. Isn't that the longing of all our hearts? Let's diligently invite people into that space with the love we have been given from the Father. 

     We must be ready to make the most of every opportunity. Colossians 4:5 "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity ". Ephesians 5:15,16 "Be very careful then how you live- not as undue but as wise, making the most of every opportunity  because the days are evil." To do that well we need to know His Word, believe it’s true, repent of our sins and live a prayerful and vigilant life, listening for His voice, in step with the Spirit, ready and prepared to lavish the love we’ve so generously received from Him onto others. This kind of selfless love, sacrificial love, and even sometimes painful love is so countercultural but so desperately needed in this time.

     Don’t let fear of man hold you back any longer, don’t allow depression to keep you from sharing the love of God , in Jesus name don’t let anxiety keep you locked in the prison of your mind. Don’t let insecurities keep you from sharing what God’s given you with others. Don’t let pride tell you you’re better than anyone else on this planet - you’re not. We all have value and worth, humble yourself my friend and treat others the way you want to be treated. Do not allow there to be any quarreling among you! We don’t have time for that!!! Let love, forgiveness and extravagant grace be what defines you - not bitterness. Let’s allow the Lord to turn our weaknesses into strengths. “Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them! But woe to the earth and the sea, because the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.””
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭12:10-12‬ \‬‬

     How do we do that? Talk about your journey and what you wrestle with in life. Invite God to use the stories of your fear, depression, anxiety, and sin. With His wisdom and discernment your testimony could encourage someone else. No one walking this earth is alone. The enemy would love for our weakness to isolate us, but our weaknesses can bind us together in love and sharpen one another powerfully. Knit together we are a powerful army. 

     What else can we do? We can repent of our pride. Pride comes in many forms but is truly evil in every way. We all have pride that rears its head in one way or another. 
We must continually repent of our pride, forgive quickly and fully, and never let bitterness take root. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MOVE FORWARD TODAY. God is in the business of using our broken stories to bring healing, redemption and life to others and to ourselves. Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

     We don’t have time to wallow in self pity, to gossip, to be bitter, to argue, complain, and to be proud. These are the things that are hindering us from being useful vessels in the Kingdom. Rid yourselves of these things and RUN!!!! Run the good race. Fight the good fight. Love God, love your neighbor, love your enemy, love your family, love the cashier at the grocery store, love your obnoxious co-worker, love the orphans, love the widows, love the homeless, love the unlovely, love your brother, love your barista (and please, please, please, for the love, DO NOT EVER tip with a cheesy gospel fold out tract from 1978. People work hard for their money and often live off of tips they make. As well meaning as you might be, those kinds of gestures without great kindness and generosity do more harm than good. If you attach Jesus’ name to anything let it be to generosity and sincere love and not stinginess and condemnation).

... It’s all there in His Word, maybe not the tract part, but the rest is... LOVE. Love God, love others and LOVE who God made YOU! There is no one else like you. And YOU WERE CALLED TO SUCH A SEASON AS THIS.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-17‬ ‭

This is my time and my season... it’s yours too. How we spend it is up to us.

Everything about your story, every bit about your life, the miraculous, the good, the dark and the ugly... it can all be used to bring others to Him and to bring glory to His kingdom here on earth. Don't let your story or your weaknesses be what holds you back, let it be what propels you to victory.  We get this moment within the span of history, eternity and time to make something big of Him with our lives. Every act of kindness counts, every opportunity that we have to extend love counts. Every moment counts. This moment belongs to us. Let us leave an undeniable legacy of love.


All for your glory Jesus. Let it all be for you.

To The Mama's

Motherhood. 

It's hard to even capture in words all that motherhood entails. It is the deepest kind of love and connection that I have ever experienced. When I held my son in my arms for the first time, I never knew such a powerful, immediate and all encompassing love could just instantaneously and completely take over my heart. I knew the first moment I laid eyes on him that I would give my life, my love and everything in me to nurture, protect and grow the tiny, awkward, helpless, perfect being wrapped up in my arms. Then when I eagerly awaited our second I wondered if it was even possible to love again so fully, and fiercely. Was it humanly possible to love this much again?... then came baby two, three, and four... and my great, vast love never ran out, it only grew. 

Motherhood has brought out the best of me, and also made me desperately aware of my inadequacies, weaknesses and flaws. With my whole heart I long to be the very best for my children in every way, I want to give them all the best and be everything they need. All the glory moments of motherhood that are very real, the wins, victories and triumphs have been hard earned. Behind the scenes there are countless imperfect moments, much life spent with little acknowledgment and often little thanks, seasons of sleepless nights, chaos, drama, sickness, fights and many tears....but I would in a heart beat   fight the good fight through every one of those seasons again and again to also experience all the beautiful and priceless moments of victory as a mother. All their wins are my wins. Motherhood is full of beautiful, joyful moments often paired right next to deep and real pain, hard work and self sacrifice. It's worth it. Every moment that you spend pouring into your children and teaching them is worth it.

Here's to the mama's.

To the mama that is exhausted, surrounded by laundry, dishes, and little ones. Living on little sleep, high demands and constant pouring out for little loves that depend on you to meet their basic needs in every way. Take a deep breath. I've been there. I almost lost my everlasting mind, with three babies 4 and under. I know the toll that the demands are taking on your mind, body and emotions. Know this, if I could go back in time, I would have never gotten up off the floor. I would have spent my life on the area rug playing cars, barbies and holding them close. I would have never let the wonder of their growing imaginations and bodies escape the focus of my vision. It flies by. It may seem now like the days are long and the nights are short, because they are. You may only speak to humans four and under all week long and crave everyday adult interaction and even forget what talking to another adult is like. During that season I can't even tell you how many times I asked an adult, without even thinking twice about it, if they had to go potty before going into the church service or before sitting down for a meal. I may or may not have cut up David's meat a few times while preparing his plate. I needed a clean house to not feel completely insane, but I wish that I would have intentionally simplified my life, and done dishes and a load of laundry every night after bed time or something, a slower pace of life and minimized routine that would have allowed me to just enjoy more moments of the insanity and glory of baby-toddler. A lot of life can happen later... for now, sit on the floor, hold your babies and literally watch them grow. Give yourself grace, so much grace as you pour yourself out. All the unseen things that you do to love and grow your children in this season of life are not a waste, they are building a strong foundation and a space in your home and in your kids lives for love and quality of character to grow and flourish, a safe place for them to fail and succeed. You are setting the tone, writing the melody of their life song with all that you do with your energy and time to love them well. 

To the mama that is in the throws of school age kids and all that crazy schedule entails. Girl. This season is so fun. Our kids are learning and growing into humans that are learning how to live, respond, relate, love and care for others. Our kids are watching us, and learning from us. They are learning their social skills and basic life skills not just from what we are teaching them with our words but in how we are living our lives. It is a season of reaping great harvest from all the seeds planted in the young years. It is also a busy season. Homework, sports, friends, church programs, and lots of sweet and important life moments and lots of emotions. This is the season where our priorities matter. How we arrange and prioritize our lives matter. How we live speaks louder than what we say. This summer I practiced living moment to moment. Making the most of every opportunity and every conversation, getting eye level with my kids and listening. It has changed the way I schedule things, the plans we've made and how we've done life. I realized that my kids care more about how much quality time we spend together then how many fun things we can pack into our lives. Overextension makes us all stressed. Too many good things can be no good at all. Simplify life. Take extra time to listen to what's important to your kids. Let there be empty space in your schedule and watch your kids fill it with creativity and restful moments. They need it, you need it. Do what works best for your unit. Care less about what everyone else is doing and care more about what you're teaching your kids by how you spend and manage your time. 

To the mama walking through puberty with your kids... Oh Lordy. Hold on tight. It's a wild ride. Ha ha. I'm just in the throws of it right now, and it is an adventure, full of emotion, deep conversations, teachable and tender moments. It's precious. These are formative times. It's when boundary lines are pushed, emotions are high and how we respond to it all IS EVERYTHING. Always, to the best of your ability keep boundary lines clear and immovable, it makes our kids feel safe and loved to know where the lines fall, even if they push up against them. Sometimes, it's our tender but firm pushback that makes them feel the most cared for. Secondly, and most importantly in my mind, as they fail, cry, get angry, have socially awkward moments, laugh 'til tears stream down their cheeks and goof around being hilariously funny...(sometimes all in a span of two solid minutes, God bless) always affirm and let them be certain of your unconditional and unwavering love for them. They will test it, and we must lavish it. Love is not mushy and weak, giving in to all the demands....it's strong, speaks truth in love and is a fierce unwavering, immovable, solid and dependable response. It's the kind of love that stoops down and wraps up our kids, no matter how they are feeling, acting, responding or overreacting in the moment. Love looks them straight in the eyes and says, "I've got you. We are in this together. I'm not going anywhere. We are on the same team, always. I promise. I care about your feelings, can you tell me what you're feeling? I will listen respectfully to you, then, can you please listen to my thoughts as well?" Love doesn't excuse bad behavior, it gets to the root of what is truly going on and takes time to engage, correct and teach through rough moments.  It's hard work, but so very deeply rewarding, I can't even tell you. This season has actually been one of my favorites. 

I don't have any practical advice for the next seasons of life. I am getting all the wisdom I can get for the next ages and stages from women I trust who have forged ahead before me and sought the Lord as they walked with their kids through the high school years into adulthood. I don't have experience, but I do have a deep respect and love for the seasons that many of my mama friends are walking through.

To the mama who spends her quiet time on her face before the Lord, praying for her children,
Your prayers do not fall on deaf ears. The God of the heavens, the Mighty One who Saves, hears your prayers, He loves the sound of your voice, He never tires of hearing your requests over and over again. He is always moving behind the scenes in ways we can and can't see. We may not always see answers, but God hears and moves on our behalf. Never stop bringing your requests before the Lord. Pray without ceasing. Your voice, your cries, your requests are precious, valuable, treasured and heard by a Sovereign God who can still move mountains, perform miracles and part seas. 

To the depleted mama who has nothing left to give, all your efforts, everything you give, the unseen, unappreciated and undervalued tasks, every single amount of love, time and energy that you expend is seen, counted, known fully and honored by your Heavenly Father, the God who sees. He sees YOU. Give yourself grace. Put on a movie for your kids, pour a bath, paint your nails and take a nap when they nap, order a pizza tonight instead of making a meal, hide in your closet or lock yourself in the bathroom and read the Word - do what you need to do to get FULL. Take care of yourself. By taking time for yourself to refill and recharge you ARE loving your children. The full and rested version of yourself can pour out so much more on your children. And know this, this season too shall pass. They all do.

To the mama grieving her empty nest, I can't even imagine. But I do know this, you have accomplished the task God gave you to do. The victory hurts, but it is a victory. Your children are grown, and living as adults in this crazy world, they might need counceling, but don't we all? You got them from A to B, kept them alive, fed, in school, and secure in your home, now they are capable, functioning adults. You did it, that's the goal right, it's kind if cruel how life works, but that is the goal, to teach our children how to navigate life without us. If your looking for something new to invest in, come along side us younger moms, teach us how to do it, help us prepare for the pain of letting go (if that is even a possible thing), walk us through it. We need you. And even though it looks different in a thousand ways, your adult children still need you. I still need my mama. The more available you can be, the more life you can continue to live alongside them and even just the knowledge that you are available and still there whenever they need you. That is a gift only you can give and a space that only you can fill. You can still be their biggest fan, fiercest advocate and a place where they know they belong in a broken and crazy world. Also, you can pray, pray, pray and prop your children up with wisdom, words of encouragement and... free babysitting. Best. Gift. EVER.

To the mothers, in all different seasons,

 You are strong (even when you don't feel strong), brave (even when you don't feel brave), you carry the burdens of every other being in your household, you work hard even when it's unseen, even when it goes unappreciated and unnoticed - you still work diligently because your task is a noble one, and your heart is knit to your task - to nurture, protect, teach and love. You breathe life and encouragement into the lungs of the next generation, you give them a foundation to stand on, hope for their future, and all the tools they need to succeed in life and to live in a way that will make our world a better place and shape our culture with powerful heavenly perspective. So today I'm taking a moment to say thank you. Thank you for all the hard work, all the tears, sacrifices, and everything you pour out. It is making a difference. You may not get the praise or acknowledgement you deserve and to be honest I can't even put into words the honor you deserve for your diligence in shaping the generation to come. I know you fail, I fail too. We are all doing our best. What we need more than anything is grace for ourselves and grace for each other as we seek the Lord and fiercely love our children no matter how old they are. All that you pour out is beautiful. In your darkest, loneliest, most hopeless, scariest mommy moments - you are not alone, you are not unseen, you are known, and perfectly loved by King Jesus. Every victory, every win, and every single precious moment of joy and love in your home doesn't stay there, it flows out of you, out of your children and shapes the world around us.  You are changing the world, one tiny human at a time. 

10 Prayers for my Marriage

     

         This year marks 15 years of marriage for David and I. It has been the most beautiful adventure of my life to grow up alongside him. We were married so young that we had the opportunity to learn who we are and who God was calling each of us to be together. When I was working at Starbucks so many of my sweet young colleagues would ask me how our marriage has lasted this many years... It's sad to me that longevity in marriage these days is so counter cultural, but it presents opportunities for Jesus to shine, because so many people are longing for and looking for true love. Every time I was asked I gave the same answer, I truly believe that what has held us together is Jesus. It's that simple. It's the miraculous power of Jesus. We love Jesus more than we love ourselves and that has always propelled us towards one another, towards resolution, towards faithfulness, forgiveness and love. We are quite different and both very passionate people. The differences either work for us in amazing ways to build life and love into marriage or our differences can work against us and we have to work hard to grow through it together. Over the years what has helped us immensely through every season is prayer. We try our best to have each others backs and to be what the other person needs in the moment even if that is self sacrificial and costly. These are the prayers that we have most commonly prayed for one another over the years and today I was prompted to share them, because lets get real, marriage is beautifully messy and hard work and maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what someone needs to hear today.

1. God,  teach me how to love him better than any other human can. 

2. Would I only have eyes for him and a heart that seeks only his affection and approval.

3. God help me forgive quickly and fully; always give him the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best of him.

4. Would my husband know how truly and deeply loved he is by me. That I would give my first and best love to him and my children. That the love Jesus has for them would pour out of me and onto them every day. 

5.  Jesus, be a shield around him and a shield around us, continually binding us together.

6. Would my husband be strengthened, rooted and established in his faith.

7. Jesus, please use every hardship to grow our love deeper and closer and never farther part. 

8. Anoint David's thoughts and words when he speaks your truth and your Word.

9. Bless our sex life, would our intimacy be sweet, unifying and hot hot hot. 

(sorry, TMI, I know! But I believe God cares about all that too.)

10. Father keep us from putting unrealistic expectations on one another. That we would always seek God first, for our every need, longing, request, wisdom and hearts desires. 

     I know that there are so many more things that a person can pray, and please do, these are just some of the prayers that have kept us humble, grounded, focused and together even through the most difficult of times. We aren't perfect, but we are committed. I often start praying for David when I'm convinced he needs to change and in the process it's my heart that gets transformed. If you aren't praying for your spouse START NOW! Marriage can be such a beautiful testimony and witness of the beautiful, faithful, loyal, powerful, all transforming love of Jesus. Let your love for one another be just that. The brightest love anyone has ever seen pouring out on each other, pointing people to our One true Love, Jesus. 

Blessed are those who Mourn.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." 
Matthew 5:4

This summer has been different than all the rest in many different ways for our family. Until this year we have been at camps all summer and it has been by far the busiest part of our year. But, this year we moved to the most adorable historic town ever, in Ridgefield, Washington.  The kids and I have spent our time together getting settled into a new home and a new community. Our sumer has been full of adventure and lazy days. We have worked hard to have some responsible morning routines and then we spend the afternoons together however we want. There have been a few Netflex binge watching days with endless popcorn and popsicles, small town exploring adventures, poolside fun and a very competitive tanning competition, darkest person at the end of the summer gets a prize! We have had lots of laughter, teachable moments, precious deep conversations, and many memorable quiet moments side by side. Its been one of my favorite summers ever, not because of all the grand things we've done, but because we are all loving simply being together. 

This morning my home was filled with joy, my kids were laughing, settled, doing their every day summer chores and routines, and completely content and full and GOOD.  It's what I have been praying for and pouring all my efforts, love and energy into since the big uproot and move began six months ago. Today has been the first time in six months that I felt like I could give myself permission to process, to grieve and to also wholeheartedly praise and be thankful for how God has tenderly and perfectly carried us to this place. 

I have made an effort to not let my kids see me cry sometimes. They have seen me cry here and there over the years, but mostly I love to be strong for them, I love to be a safe, constant and secure place for them, I love to tend to them, I love to let them be as free as they can be from adult stresses, worries and fears. They do see it all here and there, of course,  because they live in our home and life isn't always peachy around here, but I have done my best to keep their sweet little hearts from carrying any of my burdens. 

My heart filled with joy as I watched my kids feeling so settled and completely at ease in our new space and I crawled back into my cozy bed, wrapped myself up in my beautiful, soft bedding and allowed myself to process all that the last six months have brought us. My pretty white and grey floral pillow case gradually became soaked with my tears as I quietly cried alone in my room. 

I grieved the loss of my Grandpa, the loss of our church in Corvallis, the loss of people whom we deeply love, the loss of our dream home on a mountain in the forrest. Grieved the health of family members, and the distance that separates us. I mourned the death of dreams, the loneliness that change and uproot brings, and the loss of all things familiar, the loss of routine, the loss of my Starbucks family, Taco Tuesdays, and the loss of a space where I was known. 

I know it's a long list. But, it's a real list. And, I hadn't allowed myself to cry even for one moment about any of those things until this morning for fear that opening the gate would break me. I am an eternal optimist and sometimes that robs me of closure because I would rather be thankful and focus on all the good, and help everyone process and grieve, then take a moment to acknowledge something that's painful for me. I  truly have had so much to be thankful for in the last six months that it was easy to be grateful for God's blessing and provision and not let myself be sad about what I was saying goodbye to. However, to not mourn is to not give those things their proper place in my story and life. They were all significant. I loved whole heartedly and I was all in. The easiest way to never have pain or to grieve the loss of such beautiful people, community and life is to not be all in, to not be invested, to not whole heartedly love. But, it is in that space where all the best of life happens. I would rather love deeply and hurt deeply than not live a life full of love. It's not an option for me. I would chose to love and lose it all over again. 

As the tears streamed down my face, and I gave each and every one of those things up to the Lord and quietly let go of them one by one in my heart, the door creaked open a tiny bit and my six year old peaked in. I caught a glimpse of her dark brown eye looking through the crack and smiled at her as she slowly crept in. She climbed under the covers and silently wrapped her little tan arms around my neck. Her little hand began to pat my back, and she pressed her cheek up against mine. Sunday just laid there, quiet as can be, she continued gently patting my back with one hand and wrapped me up with her other arm. She didn't say a word, she just let me cry. After a few minutes of silence she swept the hair away from my face and softly kissed my cheek and left the room. 

As she walked away I thought about how blessed I am that she saw me cry today. She was the perfect source of comfort for my broken heart. She was able to show deep compassion, kindness, tenderness and love in the most beautiful way. She ministered to me and I got to see my baby girl love in the most gracious and powerful capacity. She shared the love of Jesus with me. The love that stoops down, wraps up and holds tight. I would have missed that if I had tried to hide my tears. I'm so glad I didn't. 

How gracious of God to comfort me through the quiet love of my little daughter. How beautiful that in my moment of mourning He faithfully provided comfort in such a meaningful way. I am learning through this season that it is healthy to mourn loss. It's healthy to grieve. There is a season for everything...even a season to let yourself be sad. 

When we grieve we look at life more seriously, we evaluate our priorities, we learn what is most important to us and to others. We evaluate ourselves. We give people and seasons of life value and honor.  When we look back at what was we acknowledge that God was good then, that He is good now and that He will forever be good. We will always be in seasons, sometimes in more than one at a time. The one constant, the thing that never changes, and forever remains the same is that God's promises are true. All of them.

The thing that I am most thankful for is the unshakeable and immovable peace that David and I have in this season. It has been a crazy six months, but there is nothing more powerful than the peace that comes with God's calling and our obedience to it. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. I am certain of it and overwhelmed with gratitude at God's perfect provision and deep love for us. We have felt loved, welcomed and invited into community here and into what God is doing in this city and in our church. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of the community here at Summit View. I'm thankful and blessed by natural, sincere and deep instantaneous friendships.  I love where God has brought us. It is an odd space for me to live in at the moment -  I'm mourning leaving a place and a people I love but simultaneously excited more than ever to be exactly where we are, doing exactly what God has made us to do and so thankful and overjoyed in this new season and adventure. 

God never leaves us without hope when our eyes our fixed on Him. Our story has always been and always will be one that testifies to the goodness and lavish love of an Almighty God in the everyday parts of our ordinary lives. What a gift that today I can mourn, and be comforted AND I can be full of immense gratitude and joy, completely thrilled for what's ahead all at the same time. That's proof of an extrodinary God's presence in an ordinary girls life.

For the LOVE

       In a world where social media consumes our spare moments, we have hundreds of friends, but few people who truly know us. Most people would rather portray their lives as perfect, than let people into the mess. As lovely as it is for me to know what you ate today for lunch... and as much as I admire how pretty you look posed on that mountain, looking all adventurous with your hip popped and your duck face on point... I fear we are missing something invaluable. Authenticity.

       I have spent most of my life seeking love, affirmation and acceptance from others. The ironic thing is that I was putting on my best face, I never let anyone see the worst parts of me, I was always striving to be the most appealing version of myself to receive love... but receiving love for being the best and brightest version of myself left me feeling empty and alone when I failed or was wrestling through sadness, darkness and disappointments.

      In the last two years I have learned a lot about love. I chose to, reluctantly at times, let my guard down and to be open and vulnerable about the mess. I let some of my people see my worst and not just my best. I thought it would put people off of being in my life and extending love to me, but it did quite the opposite. Authenticity bred authenticity. When you find people that love you in your darkest moments, you will never settle for any other kind of people. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres, love never fails. Love doesn't leave when you aren't at your best, and love doesn't just join you on the floor when your at your worst, love comes alongside and guides you to something better. It points you to Jesus, the author and perfecter of miraculous love, faithful love, true love.


      We are saturated in a culture that bombards us with the idea that true love is full of passion and promises of happily ever after - while real life and real love is hard work, full of mistakes, fights and lots of forgiveness in between all the bright and beautiful spots. Our culture promises a love that will complete you, while God promises a love that is complete. The most loving thing that my husband can ever do for me in every season and circumstance is to remind me of who I am in God -  Completely and wholly loved by Him no matter where I'm at, how I feel, what I've done.... I am fully known, and still deeply loved. No pretense, no pretending to be perfect, no questions asked... at my absolute worst, I am unconditionally and perfectly loved by God. When I do wrap my head around that truth, it enables me to point others to the same place and to love others freely with a love that flows in miraculous ways from the source itself, Jesus.  When I walk in the truth that I am fully loved and known in that way, I think less about myself and love others in a greater capacity.

     This last year love has looked different to me. Looking back, the dark moments were the ones where I experienced the deepest and most faithful kind of love. God has been good to me and given me people that are committed to me, and are always pointing me to Jesus. I know that today is about mushy love, but today our family is celebrating the kind of love that has changed our lives forever. The love of faithful friends.

     If you don't have that kind of friend, you aren't alone, reach out and start being that friend. Have a glow stick dance party, go out to coffee and over share your heart out, love on someone else's kids like they are your very own, have game nights, have family movie nights, get matching tattoos, have sleep overs, let people see you cry, let people see your mess, let people carry your burdens and return the favor for them, share your hopes and fears, be vulnerable, be real, laugh until your gut hurts, 'til tears stream down your face - or 'til you pee your pants, let people speak truth over you - even if it's hard to hear, do life together, do church together, do meals with the people you love, and invite other people in.... the world needs to see intentional, beautiful, authentic love. 

      On this day, I am thankful. Thankful for the people that let God's great love overflow and pour out in my life. I'm thankful they let me return the favor. I'm thankful that my people are brave enough to love in a vulnerable and real way that lets me know I'm not the only broken person in the world. We are all broken, and better together.

      Know how deeply you are loved and pursued by King Jesus and let that love overflow into the lives of whoever the Lord puts right in front of your face, and watch how that kind of intentional and selfless love can change your whole entire world.... and beyond. Authenticity is contagious and  intentional love changes everything.