My one little man

     Over the last few weeks I have had some sweet moments with my one and only son. As he is growing into such a remarkable young man the mixed emotions come flooding in. It pains me that he is growing up SO fast and at the same time I am so proud of the man he is growing up to be.

    I have seen such a maturity in him over the last few weeks. I am so thankful that as he is forming his many thoughts, ideas and opinions about life , he is doing so rooted and grounded in Christ. I have truly seen a transformation in him as we talk through things together.

     On Thursday night we drove past the salvation army as crowds of people were lining up for beds that night. Elijah and Hope were absolutely heart broken at the thought of all those people not having a home. It brought lots of great questions and sweet conversation for the rest of the drive home. Right before we pulled into the driveway, Elijah looked up at me with the most sincere look in his eyes he said, "I wish that those people would really, really know Jesus, like I know Jesus. Then they could all have a fresh start in life, just like God gave me." My heart and my eyes welled up as I thought about how far we have come together just in the last two years. I was so full of thanks for all the work the Lord has been doing in Elijah's life. It is the most precious thing to see faith rooted in his heart, sprouting, growing and producing sweet fruit all on it's own.

    I went back and forth and back and forth about home schooling Elijah this year. I was so afraid that he would feel like he was missing out, I was afraid that he would in fact miss out, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to teach him well enough, I am not really the teaching type.....and you know what?! It has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made! We have had our ups and downs for sure, our occasional battles over math and a few meltdowns on both sides.... :) BUT the time we have been able to share, having him at home while the girls are a school, watching him grow and learn and being able to teach him so much more then subjects has been absolutely priceless. I am glad that I followed the Lord and stepped out of my comfort zone despite all my fears. I have been blessed in it all, beyond measure and Elijah and I have never been closer.

      I have learned quite a lot as well though all of this. Brace yourself, this may shock you just as much as it shocked me... I am not perfect. :) In all honesty, after this year it has never been more clear. I fall short in about a thousand ways. BUT the beautiful thing that the Lord has been teaching me day after day is grace; how to give it, and how to receive it. I am far from perfect, but I am the perfect mom for Elijah. TRUTH. God made me to be just the kind of mother that my boy needs. There is so much grace in that. I fail in one thing or another ever day. I can be impatient, unkind, selfish and irrational, nothing brings that out in a woman like home schooling! :) BUT even in my short comings I have been able to teach Elijah and my girls about how the Lord wants us to live. God has graciously shown me how to humbly lead them and teach them through my victories and my failures, we talk about it all. I also, have never needed Jesus more! I have four precious little ones with their eyes glued to me and their ears listening to what I have to say, it's an amazing and also terrifying place to be. I so badly don't want to mess up, so I rely heavily on the Lord day and night. It is safe to say that He comes to my rescue daily and through the raising of my children He and I have become the best of friends. I would not dare to even try to conquer the craziness of this household with out Him!

         When Elijah was 2, his favorite thing in the world was whales. They were the biggest thing his little mind knew of and he couldn't imagine anything greater. So when I would put him to bed at night he would wrap his little arms around me and say "I love you a million whales mama!" He needed me then, I was his whole world! When he is feeling sentimental about something he still tells me he loves me a million whales, but now that he is older our routine has changed. I get less kisses, cuddles and hugs for sure, but when he gives them to me they mean SO much. Every night when I say "I love you", he always says, "I love you more!". He doesn't say I love you in public, but he never fails to make eye contact with me and sign "I love you" every single time.

      Even though he is bigger, he is still just as sweet. Last night on the way home from church, after I gave him one of my "you have to be responsible, you have to be blah blah blah" speeches, he sat in silence and then said super sincerely  "I am really sorry mom, will you forgive me? And by the way, you look really pretty today." Somehow, it means so much  more coming from my extra opinionated, smart and independent growing son. Even though he thinks he is SO grown up, I know that he still needs me. He always will, it will just be for different things in different seasons and I am learning to be ok with that. My job after all is to help him succeed at being an honest, kind, godly man of integrity in this world one day. That would never happen if I didn't ever allow him to grow up. I will just soak in each day that I get with my ever growing little man, and keep praying that the Lord will help me to be exactly what Elijah needs me to be as he grows.