As some of you know, while my family was on the mission field in Brazil, my sister Sarah was diagnosed with leukemia. She fought hard for two years, but with no bone marrow match found for her, she relapsed and stepped into glory many years ago. I was 11 when she stepped into the presence of Jesus.
My parents moved about every two years. In the constant upheaval Sarah and I always had each other. I have sweet memories of her perfectly wavy, long, blonde hair streaming behind her as she swung next me on our rickety metal swing set in Southern Oregon. Her bright smile made her eyes sparkle. In the summer freckles appeared on the bridge of her nose and her tanned skin made her blue eyes even brighter. She was truly kind, thoughtful and lovely. I was quite mischievous, a little spicy and adventurous; we evened each other out in the best sort of way.When she stepped into glory, no one even had to tell me. I was staying with my grandparents at our house in Washington, while my parents were across the border closer to the Vancouver Children's Hospital. I had seen my sister that afternoon, sat next to her bed - we talked, laughed and sat quietly together while we watched all the fish in her tank swim about. We truly had the best last moments together, which is a gift I hold tight to. I remember that everything in me fought against leaving her side that day.
Even before my grandma came upstairs to my room to tell me that evening, I knew. My soul felt the loss of her presence on earth. My heart was in so much turmoil that when my grandma knocked on my door I begged her to not say the words out loud. I could not bear to hear it. Somehow, hearing the words spoken out loud took her farther away from me.
One's heart is not equipped to manage that kind of pain. I did not know how to properly say goodbye. I didn't want to. Fear welled up inside me that if I said goodbye Sarah would really be gone forever. I fought against it.
I fought against God.
That following year I was angry at God, and bitterly angry at myself. What rolled around my mind on repeat was not all the best memories shared with Sarah, but all my regrets. All the times I teased her, laughter at her, was mean to her... all of those memories crowded my mind, grieved my heart, and filled me with unbearable, torturous guilt. I could not forgive myself and could not seek an unjust, unloving God for healing either. My little 11 year old heart did not know how to handle all the emotions tumbling out of it. I pushed everyone out and put up lots of walls; I became an untouchable fortress. If I couldn't feel anything anymore - I wouldn't hurt any more. I shut myself in and carried the burden alone.
God, in His goodness has a beautiful way of touching hard and broken hearts. He has a way of showing Himself to us even when we don't want to see Him. He is not afraid of our feelings. He is not put-off by our hurt and anger. Our doubt does not destroy Him or make Him turn away. He has an almighty way of healing the brokenhearted. He can touch even the hardest of hearts. He sees the root of our anger, fear, and hurt. He sees it all, and He stoops down with grace and compassion to heal us. A year after we lost my sister, I was alone in my room and I just knew I couldn't carry on living in the protection of my walls isolated and overwhelmed with anger. I wrestled with Him, I yelled at Him, I told Him I hated Him for not saving my sister....
All I had to do was look towards His face and begin a conversation with Him and His great love for me came pouring in.
There is evil in this world, great suffering, and injustice all around us. It has been here since humans rejected God's perfect way, choosing to make themselves the kings of their own hearts in the garden long ago. All the ugliness in the world does not mean that God is not real, or good, or sovereign. We are living in a world broken and shattered by sin. That was not God's perfect plan. He will one day bring complete restoration and perfect wholeness to this place again. Until that day, He can be lovingly, faithfully, powerfully found taking the broken pieces of our lives and putting them back together in a way that only a good God would. He redeems one moment, one story, one life at a time.
This part of the story never gets old for me. God is always working to redeem the brokeness. When Jesus came to into the world to die for my sins it was the beginning of a new hope. When Jesus came - everything changed. There is still evil in the world, but there is hope, life and power far greater than all the suffering and all the ugly. The darkness of this world makes His light even brighter. I saw it as an 11 year old, when His love rushed in and captured my heart. I had a choice to either let Him heal my deep wounds, restore my soul, and walk along side me in the suffering and brokeness... Or I could continue to grow inward, alone, angry, and despairing without hope, with my eyes only focused on all the darkness surrounding me. I wanted victory. I wanted healing and I wanted to be one of the people who could walk into the darkness with the power of Jesus and bring His light and love and hope, joy and comfort into suffering, into the broken, into the pain. It's an everyday choice - focus on all the suffering and injustice in the world OR focus on Jesus, the Almighty God who faithfully walks through all the darkness with us into healing, hope, a deep satisfaction and love only found in Him.
In that moment, as I laid on my bed and turned my face toward God, and poured out my heart, anger, fear, and all the feelings, I knew that walking with Him in my life was going to be infinitely better than living without Him. That was the beginning of me letting God invade my life and letting him be King of my heart. He took His place my heart and my life changed forever. His love washed over me, He comforted my broken heart, He healed some of my deepest wounds and He breathed new life into my hard heart.
Over time the loss of my sister has become less painful but not less significant. God in His own beautiful way has given me sweet every day reminders of Sarah in the face of my daughter Lily, the sparkle in her blue eyes and her long wavy blonde hair. The most healing thing for me has been the gift of my girls. Watching them grow up together as sisters and friends has helped me let go of my guilt and remember the sweet memories of my childhood... Sarah eating watermelon on the porch, playing in the back yard, and swinging from the top bunk into her bed to talk late at night. I won't ever understand why God let everything unfold as it did, but I do know that God was present through it all and is accomplishing beautiful things in my life despite the darkness.
The truth is, I never want to know.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Let Him transform you.
Then watch His love transform the world around you in a beautifully miraculous way.
"May the Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
Love your words. You are such an encouragement. Appreciate your honesty & life lessons shared here. ~EB
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and boldly written. Few passings have affected me like hers. I couldn't go into the viewing room. I felt God had been unfair. It didn't take long though to achieve the perspective that while we were still trapped in sin here, she was perfected and in the presence of holiness. And yes, those girls of yours are pretty special too. A really great family!
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