Surrender

Psalm 40:1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord; 

he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 

out of the mud and mire; 

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a hymn of praise to our God. 

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man

who makes the Lord his trust,

who does not look to the proud, 

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O Lord my God 

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.

This is my anthem. 

This is my story. 

        I have wasted many years. I have spent most of my life chasing empty dreams, striving endlessly to gain the approval and acceptance of others, and worked so hard to always do the right thing. I have been reading Restless by Jennie Allen and what I have come to realize, is that all I have been doing is building magnificent sand castles. Glorious, beautiful, detailed sand castles. The Holy Spirit lives in me and has been at work through me despite myself, and I pray that some of my efforts have truly brought Him glory throughout the years. But in general, what I see when I look back is me, constantly rebuilding sand castles. I have been sliding down a pit searching desperately for fulfillment, acceptance and the praise of others to nurture my deep insecurities and desires to be acceptable and loved by others. Most of what I have accomplished has been in vain. I know this because I have never, ever fully surrendered my life to the Lord and just let Him do whatever He wanted through me. I have held my plans and dreams with a tightly clenched fist. 

        I belong to Him, I desire to please Him and strive to obey Him. I have given most things to Him,  but most things isn't enough. He wants all of our trust. And who am I to withhold it? I have fought hard and worked hard my whole life to do things for His kingdom. I have always tried to do what was right, but missed the point. None of the hard work is going anywhere until I can place the things I hold the most dear to me in the palm of His hand and say, "Whatever your plan is for this, whether it be a painful walk or a glorious one, I trust your perfect plan for it." It's not until I can say the Lord alone is my trust, that I will surely have my feet planted firmly on a solid rock, instead of the ever moving, wavering, shifting sand. But oh, it is so hard for me to let go. I have trust issues. I have control issues. I have pride, and I believe that my way is best. I think the pain of letting go might be worse than actually suffocating the life out of the things my heart longs for.  

     When I came before the Lord and He clearly asked for my plans and my future, I once again prepared my argument, and was ready to state my case before Him. But as I cried out to Him, He opened my eyes and for the first time I saw things as they really were. My plans were good, even godly. Every bit of my being longed for them to be fulfilled. They had become more than the desire of my heart, my plans and desires had become idols. They had become even more important to me, to my identity and my future than God himself. Every fiber of my being waited, longed and depended on my plans to come through. My heart broke more everyday as I waited and waited and waited for God to move. I waited and pleaded for Him to say yes. Over time the plans that had been my passion and that had breathed life and purpose in me had become a barren dessert. Sucking every bit of life and joy out of me, it had become a massive burden that I could no longer bare the weight of.  God's desire is to be our one desire, anything else that takes His place, as good as it may be will only eventually drain us of life, peace, joy and hope.  I had to surrender, I had to let go. I was desperate for God to take this from me and somehow bring glory out of it all. Even though it was so painful to let go, my eyes had been opened, it was more painful to keep striving on my own. 

     It is far more painful to carry on living with the belief that I have control, while an all-loving, all-powerful, all-sovereign God walks alongside me stripping away the things my heart holds dear until all that is left for me to hold onto is Him. I need Him. For me to live at my full potential He needs to be my everything. He has control, even in this dark world, even when life doesn't make sense, He has control. I have none. None. For me to carry on living trying to make sense of everything, trying to push my plans through, trying to control everything is far too great a burden for me to bear. The weight of it was crushing me.  He longs to be my trust. He loves me, and it is best for Him to carry my burdens, to make my plans, to reveal His purpose for me in His time. He knows it is far less painful for me to let go now than to keep living a lie, believing that I have control over my life. The longer I live pretending that I have everything under control the longer I waste my life building sandcastles. 

       I will never be able to fulfill the plans He has for me, I will never know my true potential or purpose until I trust Him alone. Depend on Him alone. Seek Him alone. Desire to please Him alone. I don't know about you, but I want to live a life FULL of purpose. I don't want to waste any more days playing in the sand. I need a solid place to stand, to build, to praise and to declare the wonders that the Lord has done in my life. I want my life to mean something. To have some substance. I want people to see ALL that the Lord has done in my life, to see me singing His praises and desire to trust in Him to.

My Psalm 40

God Almighty

You hear my cry

You lift me out of the pit

You set my feet on a rock

You give me a firm place to stand

You give me a new song to sing and I will praise you

Because of Your work in my life people will trust you 

You alone are my trust and that is enough for me

You perform wonder after wonder in my life

You have so many plans for my life, too many for me to even declare.

All that I am is yours. 

I desire to do your will whatever it may be

May your righteousness be evident in my heart and life

I will speak of your faithfulness and salvation

I will share your love and your truth

Show me your mercy

Your love and your truth always protect me

You are my help and my deliverer; 

Rescue me from the life I so easily waste

God Almighty, do not delay. 

Breathe life, purpose and praise into me

All my life is yours