10 Prayers for my Marriage

     

         This year marks 15 years of marriage for David and I. It has been the most beautiful adventure of my life to grow up alongside him. We were married so young that we had the opportunity to learn who we are and who God was calling each of us to be together. When I was working at Starbucks so many of my sweet young colleagues would ask me how our marriage has lasted this many years... It's sad to me that longevity in marriage these days is so counter cultural, but it presents opportunities for Jesus to shine, because so many people are longing for and looking for true love. Every time I was asked I gave the same answer, I truly believe that what has held us together is Jesus. It's that simple. It's the miraculous power of Jesus. We love Jesus more than we love ourselves and that has always propelled us towards one another, towards resolution, towards faithfulness, forgiveness and love. We are quite different and both very passionate people. The differences either work for us in amazing ways to build life and love into marriage or our differences can work against us and we have to work hard to grow through it together. Over the years what has helped us immensely through every season is prayer. We try our best to have each others backs and to be what the other person needs in the moment even if that is self sacrificial and costly. These are the prayers that we have most commonly prayed for one another over the years and today I was prompted to share them, because lets get real, marriage is beautifully messy and hard work and maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what someone needs to hear today.

1. God,  teach me how to love him better than any other human can. 

2. Would I only have eyes for him and a heart that seeks only his affection and approval.

3. God help me forgive quickly and fully; always give him the benefit of the doubt and always believe the best of him.

4. Would my husband know how truly and deeply loved he is by me. That I would give my first and best love to him and my children. That the love Jesus has for them would pour out of me and onto them every day. 

5.  Jesus, be a shield around him and a shield around us, continually binding us together.

6. Would my husband be strengthened, rooted and established in his faith.

7. Jesus, please use every hardship to grow our love deeper and closer and never farther part. 

8. Anoint David's thoughts and words when he speaks your truth and your Word.

9. Bless our sex life, would our intimacy be sweet, unifying and hot hot hot. 

(sorry, TMI, I know! But I believe God cares about all that too.)

10. Father keep us from putting unrealistic expectations on one another. That we would always seek God first, for our every need, longing, request, wisdom and hearts desires. 

     I know that there are so many more things that a person can pray, and please do, these are just some of the prayers that have kept us humble, grounded, focused and together even through the most difficult of times. We aren't perfect, but we are committed. I often start praying for David when I'm convinced he needs to change and in the process it's my heart that gets transformed. If you aren't praying for your spouse START NOW! Marriage can be such a beautiful testimony and witness of the beautiful, faithful, loyal, powerful, all transforming love of Jesus. Let your love for one another be just that. The brightest love anyone has ever seen pouring out on each other, pointing people to our One true Love, Jesus. 

Blessed are those who Mourn.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." 
Matthew 5:4

This summer has been different than all the rest in many different ways for our family. Until this year we have been at camps all summer and it has been by far the busiest part of our year. But, this year we moved to the most adorable historic town ever, in Ridgefield, Washington.  The kids and I have spent our time together getting settled into a new home and a new community. Our sumer has been full of adventure and lazy days. We have worked hard to have some responsible morning routines and then we spend the afternoons together however we want. There have been a few Netflex binge watching days with endless popcorn and popsicles, small town exploring adventures, poolside fun and a very competitive tanning competition, darkest person at the end of the summer gets a prize! We have had lots of laughter, teachable moments, precious deep conversations, and many memorable quiet moments side by side. Its been one of my favorite summers ever, not because of all the grand things we've done, but because we are all loving simply being together. 

This morning my home was filled with joy, my kids were laughing, settled, doing their every day summer chores and routines, and completely content and full and GOOD.  It's what I have been praying for and pouring all my efforts, love and energy into since the big uproot and move began six months ago. Today has been the first time in six months that I felt like I could give myself permission to process, to grieve and to also wholeheartedly praise and be thankful for how God has tenderly and perfectly carried us to this place. 

I have made an effort to not let my kids see me cry sometimes. They have seen me cry here and there over the years, but mostly I love to be strong for them, I love to be a safe, constant and secure place for them, I love to tend to them, I love to let them be as free as they can be from adult stresses, worries and fears. They do see it all here and there, of course,  because they live in our home and life isn't always peachy around here, but I have done my best to keep their sweet little hearts from carrying any of my burdens. 

My heart filled with joy as I watched my kids feeling so settled and completely at ease in our new space and I crawled back into my cozy bed, wrapped myself up in my beautiful, soft bedding and allowed myself to process all that the last six months have brought us. My pretty white and grey floral pillow case gradually became soaked with my tears as I quietly cried alone in my room. 

I grieved the loss of my Grandpa, the loss of our church in Corvallis, the loss of people whom we deeply love, the loss of our dream home on a mountain in the forrest. Grieved the health of family members, and the distance that separates us. I mourned the death of dreams, the loneliness that change and uproot brings, and the loss of all things familiar, the loss of routine, the loss of my Starbucks family, Taco Tuesdays, and the loss of a space where I was known. 

I know it's a long list. But, it's a real list. And, I hadn't allowed myself to cry even for one moment about any of those things until this morning for fear that opening the gate would break me. I am an eternal optimist and sometimes that robs me of closure because I would rather be thankful and focus on all the good, and help everyone process and grieve, then take a moment to acknowledge something that's painful for me. I  truly have had so much to be thankful for in the last six months that it was easy to be grateful for God's blessing and provision and not let myself be sad about what I was saying goodbye to. However, to not mourn is to not give those things their proper place in my story and life. They were all significant. I loved whole heartedly and I was all in. The easiest way to never have pain or to grieve the loss of such beautiful people, community and life is to not be all in, to not be invested, to not whole heartedly love. But, it is in that space where all the best of life happens. I would rather love deeply and hurt deeply than not live a life full of love. It's not an option for me. I would chose to love and lose it all over again. 

As the tears streamed down my face, and I gave each and every one of those things up to the Lord and quietly let go of them one by one in my heart, the door creaked open a tiny bit and my six year old peaked in. I caught a glimpse of her dark brown eye looking through the crack and smiled at her as she slowly crept in. She climbed under the covers and silently wrapped her little tan arms around my neck. Her little hand began to pat my back, and she pressed her cheek up against mine. Sunday just laid there, quiet as can be, she continued gently patting my back with one hand and wrapped me up with her other arm. She didn't say a word, she just let me cry. After a few minutes of silence she swept the hair away from my face and softly kissed my cheek and left the room. 

As she walked away I thought about how blessed I am that she saw me cry today. She was the perfect source of comfort for my broken heart. She was able to show deep compassion, kindness, tenderness and love in the most beautiful way. She ministered to me and I got to see my baby girl love in the most gracious and powerful capacity. She shared the love of Jesus with me. The love that stoops down, wraps up and holds tight. I would have missed that if I had tried to hide my tears. I'm so glad I didn't. 

How gracious of God to comfort me through the quiet love of my little daughter. How beautiful that in my moment of mourning He faithfully provided comfort in such a meaningful way. I am learning through this season that it is healthy to mourn loss. It's healthy to grieve. There is a season for everything...even a season to let yourself be sad. 

When we grieve we look at life more seriously, we evaluate our priorities, we learn what is most important to us and to others. We evaluate ourselves. We give people and seasons of life value and honor.  When we look back at what was we acknowledge that God was good then, that He is good now and that He will forever be good. We will always be in seasons, sometimes in more than one at a time. The one constant, the thing that never changes, and forever remains the same is that God's promises are true. All of them.

The thing that I am most thankful for is the unshakeable and immovable peace that David and I have in this season. It has been a crazy six months, but there is nothing more powerful than the peace that comes with God's calling and our obedience to it. We are exactly where we are supposed to be. I am certain of it and overwhelmed with gratitude at God's perfect provision and deep love for us. We have felt loved, welcomed and invited into community here and into what God is doing in this city and in our church. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of the community here at Summit View. I'm thankful and blessed by natural, sincere and deep instantaneous friendships.  I love where God has brought us. It is an odd space for me to live in at the moment -  I'm mourning leaving a place and a people I love but simultaneously excited more than ever to be exactly where we are, doing exactly what God has made us to do and so thankful and overjoyed in this new season and adventure. 

God never leaves us without hope when our eyes our fixed on Him. Our story has always been and always will be one that testifies to the goodness and lavish love of an Almighty God in the everyday parts of our ordinary lives. What a gift that today I can mourn, and be comforted AND I can be full of immense gratitude and joy, completely thrilled for what's ahead all at the same time. That's proof of an extrodinary God's presence in an ordinary girls life.

For the LOVE

       In a world where social media consumes our spare moments, we have hundreds of friends, but few people who truly know us. Most people would rather portray their lives as perfect, than let people into the mess. As lovely as it is for me to know what you ate today for lunch... and as much as I admire how pretty you look posed on that mountain, looking all adventurous with your hip popped and your duck face on point... I fear we are missing something invaluable. Authenticity.

       I have spent most of my life seeking love, affirmation and acceptance from others. The ironic thing is that I was putting on my best face, I never let anyone see the worst parts of me, I was always striving to be the most appealing version of myself to receive love... but receiving love for being the best and brightest version of myself left me feeling empty and alone when I failed or was wrestling through sadness, darkness and disappointments.

      In the last two years I have learned a lot about love. I chose to, reluctantly at times, let my guard down and to be open and vulnerable about the mess. I let some of my people see my worst and not just my best. I thought it would put people off of being in my life and extending love to me, but it did quite the opposite. Authenticity bred authenticity. When you find people that love you in your darkest moments, you will never settle for any other kind of people. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres, love never fails. Love doesn't leave when you aren't at your best, and love doesn't just join you on the floor when your at your worst, love comes alongside and guides you to something better. It points you to Jesus, the author and perfecter of miraculous love, faithful love, true love.


      We are saturated in a culture that bombards us with the idea that true love is full of passion and promises of happily ever after - while real life and real love is hard work, full of mistakes, fights and lots of forgiveness in between all the bright and beautiful spots. Our culture promises a love that will complete you, while God promises a love that is complete. The most loving thing that my husband can ever do for me in every season and circumstance is to remind me of who I am in God -  Completely and wholly loved by Him no matter where I'm at, how I feel, what I've done.... I am fully known, and still deeply loved. No pretense, no pretending to be perfect, no questions asked... at my absolute worst, I am unconditionally and perfectly loved by God. When I do wrap my head around that truth, it enables me to point others to the same place and to love others freely with a love that flows in miraculous ways from the source itself, Jesus.  When I walk in the truth that I am fully loved and known in that way, I think less about myself and love others in a greater capacity.

     This last year love has looked different to me. Looking back, the dark moments were the ones where I experienced the deepest and most faithful kind of love. God has been good to me and given me people that are committed to me, and are always pointing me to Jesus. I know that today is about mushy love, but today our family is celebrating the kind of love that has changed our lives forever. The love of faithful friends.

     If you don't have that kind of friend, you aren't alone, reach out and start being that friend. Have a glow stick dance party, go out to coffee and over share your heart out, love on someone else's kids like they are your very own, have game nights, have family movie nights, get matching tattoos, have sleep overs, let people see you cry, let people see your mess, let people carry your burdens and return the favor for them, share your hopes and fears, be vulnerable, be real, laugh until your gut hurts, 'til tears stream down your face - or 'til you pee your pants, let people speak truth over you - even if it's hard to hear, do life together, do church together, do meals with the people you love, and invite other people in.... the world needs to see intentional, beautiful, authentic love. 

      On this day, I am thankful. Thankful for the people that let God's great love overflow and pour out in my life. I'm thankful they let me return the favor. I'm thankful that my people are brave enough to love in a vulnerable and real way that lets me know I'm not the only broken person in the world. We are all broken, and better together.

      Know how deeply you are loved and pursued by King Jesus and let that love overflow into the lives of whoever the Lord puts right in front of your face, and watch how that kind of intentional and selfless love can change your whole entire world.... and beyond. Authenticity is contagious and  intentional love changes everything. 

    
        
   
   

   
   

When Life Doesn't Make Sense

      Just a little over two years ago God gave our family a very clear direction and a clear mission. It was one of the scariest things we had ever done, but we were certain that He was in it and certain of His calling. So, we jumped. Friends, it was right to do. We knew that moving to Corvallis and taking on a church re-plant, and everything that entailed was a risk... a huge risk for our family actually. But, let me tell you something true, ALL the best things in life are a little risky. This risk in particular was worth it. 

       I was awake most of the night writing and rewriting this post in my head, and it sounded so eloquent at 5am in my head, but now that I am sitting here banging on the keys it's so difficult to articulate all the thoughts and feelings.... because life doesn't always make sense and sometimes its more difficult than others to reconcile a world of things we don't understand. 

      All that to say, after two years of seeing God do more than we could have asked or imagined we begin the process of grieving and saying goodbye to a people that quickly became an intricate part of our lives, to a sea of beautiful faces that we called our church and our home. I don't know exactly how we got to this place, it actually doesn't make any sense to me and honestly I think at this point I would rather not know all the behind the scenes. But I know this for sure, when big things like this make no sense at all, GOD IS IN IT and we can trust Him. This Sunday is going to be the last Sunday of Doxology. I can't even wrap my mind around it.

       In the last two years I have seen God do so many beautiful things. He literally parted the seas in so many ways to even bring our family to Doxology. Then when we came we saw so much beauty unfold. God gave rest to some of the weary warriors that had been carrying a great load, he healed the broken hearted, restored faith, brought new growth, brought new people, brought unity, direction and so much life. Every Sunday morning when I stepped into our gathering place I knew that God had made me to love His people in that exact space and time, and even more powerful to me was that it felt like home to me. I knew that I belonged in that place and I knew every other person present belonged there right along with me. It's a beautiful and unique thing to have a space where you fit and a people that quickly become such an intricate part of your life in the most amazing way. Doxology, not the place, but the people are my home. It's the hardest thing in the world to say goodbye to something that you love with your whole entire heart. 

       I have never seen God love the church in such a tangible way as I saw him pour out His great love on Doxology.  The end of something beautiful by no means lessens the value and impact of the journey along the way. God has done beautiful, eternal, kingdom work in all of us and through all of us. Even as we spread out through the city, all the seeds that have been planted, watered and placed in the light of the sun through the investment of our lives will continue to grow. As what we have all worked so hard to build is coming to an end and moving us forward in a new direction, let us not lose sight of the big picture, the kingdom picture. Let's keep celebrating all the wins, every victory, every miracle, every sweet moment and all the time we have spent living life along side each other and making space for the Kingdom of heaven to touch Corvallis in a unique way that only we could. It has been the most beautiful adventure. 

        So, for those of us who are feeling quite unsettled, confused and unanchored at the moment, let's keep our eyes fixed on the unwavering truth of God's word. God is sovereign. Nothing and no one slips through His fingers or goes unseen. We are the apple of His eye, we are that essential and completely seen and known by Him. Even when nothing makes sense, God is in control. Even when our hopes and dreams play out differently than we expect, God is good, He is steady, He never changes, He is unwavering and He is always working in us and all around us for our good. It's hard to see that in the dark and uncertain moments, but it is certainly true. God is always at work. The most beautiful kind of faith is the one that leaps towards Him when there is nowhere else to land. 

       David and I are not the same people we were when we came to this place two years ago. Our time here in Corvallis with our Dox family has left an eternal and lasting mark on us. The great work He began, He will see through, in His powerful and perfect way. Every moment that Doxology built His kingdom here on earth will not come back empty or void. It's all for His glory and fame. It was an absolute and magnificent honor to be a part of His work in this place. How the Lord wove our hearts together as we built His kingdom together is eternal. 

      His kingdom come, His will be done in our hearts, in our homes, in Doxology, in Corvallis... and on earth as it is in heaven.  

Psalm 145:13 "Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does."

Identity

This morning as I pulled into our driveway I parked the car and looked out the window. 

The sun was bursting through the trees. This fall has been unusually bleak, extremely rainy and quite foggy. I find the wet haze beautiful in its own way, but the sun, and the warmth it brings as it spreads over the forrest is a welcome sight. 

As I just sat there staring at all the trees, I could't help but notice that all the limbs reach up towards the heavens in a uniform way, they are all stretching out and up in beautiful and perfect unity. All but one. One awkward eyesore that stands out from all the rest. The longer I sat there staring at the forest, my focus continually returned to that ugly branch. 

     As much as I kind of hate to admit it, that is probably the best possible picture to describe how I have seen myself my entire existence. In every age and stage of life, I have been the awkward branch that sticks out, different from the rest. Constantly fearing that my differences, awkwardness and inability to fit into the picture were an eyesore, completely visible to everyone around me. 

       It may not be how I am perceived by others but it is 100% how I have always perceived myself. As a result, I have continually longed for a place where I felt a sense of belonging and significance. My entire life I have been searching for a place that felt like home, where I was fully seen and not misunderstood.  

       In this last season I have been unpacking my own thoughts and perceptions of myself as well as the perceptions others have projected on me. I have realized how powerful and influential words have been in my life. The words I have spoken to myself have had great influence on how I respond to life, perceive myself and how I project myself to others. The words others have spoken over me have powerfully breathed life and truth into the core of my being, resounding with the Holy Spirit in my soul and given me freedom, life and great joy in my giftings and abilities. Other times I have allowed untrue and twisted words spoken over me to put me in a box, a prison cell, chained to a perception or belief that I was never meant to live in. 

I have recently fallen in love with the story of Hagar in Genesis. Her story is not very common and often overlooked. She isn't even really a leading lady, but something about her is captivating to me. Hagar appears in Genesis 16 and 21. In both chapters Hagar is the outcast. She is the Egyptian slave that is forced to marry Abram and sleep with him in a desperate human attempt to fulfill God's promise to Abram (that he would be the father of a great nation, and have as many descendants as there are stars in the sky)... Sarai and Abram take matters into their own hands and timing as they age and remain childless. Hagar becomes pregnant with Abram's son. She is mistreated by Sarai, used and abused. In chapter 16 Hagar finds herself pregnant, resentful and bitter about it she runs away and God finds her in the desert. In chapter 21 she is sent away into the desert with her son, when her water runs out she lays her son under a bush and weeps as she waits for him to die and again God tenderly meets her in that place.

The Identity and perception spoken over Hagar is clear. Some of these things about her are facts, truth about her story and circumstance. However, they do not in any way define Hagar, they are part of her story, but they are not her identity. If anything, how she is described resounds with my heart and makes her relatable in many ways. The Identity spoken over Hagar in these two chapters is:

Foreigner, slave, property, used, disposable, mistreated,abused, a run away, rejected, worthless, abandoned,unwanted, despised and alone.

       Perceptions can be spoken over us, and identities can can projected onto us, but who we really are, our true identity is not found in where we come from, our circumstance, or our jobs... our true identity is unwavering, it remains the same through all conditions. Take everything about your life away, and your identity is who you are in that moment. What remains about you. The essence of who you are, who you were created to be at the core of your being, that is your true identity. It takes great discernment to know the difference between our true selves, the identities that others project on us and the identities that we put on ourselves  to project to others. What is most significant to me is not how Hagar is perceived, but how I can find myself in her story. I have been in the desert; misunderstood, misperceived, feeling worthless, not valued, unloved and completely alone. The most beautiful thing about this story is that in that place, in the desert, and the darkness - Hagar is found, seen, fully known and immeasurably loved. How we all long to be found, seen, fully known and unconditionally extravagantly loved.

        Both times that the Lord meets Hagar he speaks tenderly to her. He asks her questions even though he already knows the answers; her voice is important, what she has to say has value and He wants her to know that she is heard. He also gives her hope, wisdom, instruction and a promise. He speaks life into her being, He rescues her, He provides for her needs and He interacts in a sweet way with her that brings her to a place where she feels seen, heard, known and loved. In return she worships The One Who Sees. This is the name she gives our King. The One Who Sees. 

The first time God meets Hagar in the desert He rescues her FROM the desert, the second time He rescues her IN the desert. It is the same for us. God is faithful. When we find ourselves in the desert we can be confident of this truth. God is either going to rescue us from it, or rescue us in it. HE always provides. Our rescue, salvation and redemption may not look how we think it should or want it to, but if we find ourselves living out the rest of our lives in the desert we can be confident of this, God will open our eyes in it, He will provide everything we need. We won't just survive in that place, we will flourish and grow.

The world projected so much onto Hagar but what God spoke over her is what ultimately changed her whole world. He spoke worth, value and a deep love over her, not by what He said, by what He did and how He interacted with her. The beauty of God’s word is that these truths translate into our lives as well. You and I have found the One who Sees. The one who can look into our souls and see the true value, the worth, the identity that he spoke over each of us from the beginning of time. He sees all the truth of who we are and all the potential that we have. When we are covered in the truth of who we are in Christ, we can walk forward in freedom and confidence.

This last year a friend of mine prayed over me and told me that God had a special name He uses, something that He calls me. As I prayed over that, I felt like, how could that be? There is nothing significant about me that makes me different from anyone else. Why would God have anything special for me? I prayed over and over asking God what He calls me and would just come up blank. After weeks of studying Hagar and allowing the Lord to peel back layers of true and untrue things I have taken on and believed about myself over the years I asked Him once more, "God, what do you call me?" I opened my journal and couldn’t even write as quickly as the Lord was speaking over me….

I call you daughter

I call you beloved

I call you full of worth

Full of value,

Brave,

Beautiful,

Bright,

Full of my light,

I call you clothed in righteousness,

I call you hidden in Christ,

strong and courageous,

I call you gifted,

I call you saved,

Forgiven,

Redeemed,

Restored,

Renewed,

Full of my Spirit,

I call you by name,

I call you little lamb,

I call you treasure,

I call you loved,

I call you mine.

You are Significant.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

"I love the Lord for He heard my voice, He heard my cry for mercy. Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live. The chords of death entailed me, the anguish of the grave came over me, I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord, 'Lord Save me!' The Lord is gracious and righteous, our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, He saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, Lord have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:1-9

     As some of you know, while my family was on the mission field in Brazil, my sister Sarah was diagnosed with leukemia. She fought hard for two years, but with no bone marrow match found for her, she relapsed and stepped into glory many years ago. I was 11 when she stepped into the presence of Jesus.

      My parents moved about every two years. In the constant upheaval Sarah and I always had each other. I have sweet memories of her perfectly wavy, long, blonde hair streaming behind her as she swung next me on our rickety metal swing set in Southern Oregon. Her bright smile made her eyes sparkle. In the summer freckles appeared on the bridge of her nose and her tanned skin made her blue eyes even brighter. She was truly kind, thoughtful and lovely. I was quite mischievous, a little spicy and adventurous; we evened each other out in the best sort of way.

          When she stepped into glory, no one even had to tell me. I was staying with my grandparents at our house in Washington, while my parents were across the border closer to the Vancouver Children's Hospital. I had seen my sister that afternoon, sat next to her bed - we talked, laughed and sat quietly together while we watched all the fish in her tank swim about. We truly had the best last moments together, which is a gift I hold tight to. I remember that everything in me fought against leaving her side that day.

       Even before my grandma came upstairs to my room to tell me that evening, I knew. My soul felt the loss of her presence on earth. My heart was in so much turmoil that when my grandma knocked on my door I begged her to not say the words out loud. I could not bear to hear it. Somehow, hearing the words spoken out loud took her farther away from me.

     One's heart is not equipped to manage that kind of pain. I did not know how to properly say goodbye. I didn't want to. Fear welled up inside me that if I said goodbye Sarah would really be gone forever. I fought against it.

I fought against God.

     That following year I was angry at God, and bitterly angry at myself. What rolled around my mind on repeat was not all the best memories shared with Sarah, but all my regrets. All the times I teased her, laughter at her, was mean to her... all of those memories crowded my mind, grieved my heart, and filled me with unbearable, torturous guilt. I could not forgive myself and could not seek an unjust, unloving God for healing either. My little 11 year old heart did not know how to handle all the emotions tumbling out of it. I pushed everyone out and put up lots of walls; I became an untouchable fortress. If I couldn't feel anything anymore - I wouldn't hurt any more. I shut myself in and carried the burden alone.

       God, in His goodness has a beautiful way of touching hard and broken hearts. He has a way of showing Himself to us even when we don't want to see Him. He is not afraid of our feelings. He is not put-off by our hurt and anger. Our doubt does not destroy Him or make Him turn away. He has an almighty way of healing the brokenhearted. He can touch even the hardest of hearts. He sees the root of our anger, fear, and hurt. He sees it all, and He stoops down with grace and compassion to heal us.  A year after we lost my sister, I was alone in my room and I just knew I couldn't carry on living in the protection of my walls isolated and overwhelmed with anger.  I wrestled with Him, I yelled at Him, I told Him I hated Him for not saving my sister....

All I had to do was look towards His face and begin a conversation with Him and His great love for me came pouring in.

     There is evil in this world, great suffering, and injustice all around us. It has been here since humans rejected God's perfect way, choosing to make themselves the kings of their own hearts in the garden long ago. All the ugliness in the world does not mean that God is not real, or good, or sovereign. We are living in a world broken and shattered by sin. That was not God's perfect plan. He will one day bring complete restoration and perfect wholeness to this place again. Until that day,  He can be lovingly, faithfully, powerfully found taking the broken pieces of our lives and putting them back together in a way that only a good God would. He redeems one moment, one story, one life at a time.

     This part of the story never gets old for me. God is always working to redeem the brokeness. When Jesus came to into the world to die for my sins it was the beginning of a new hope. When Jesus came - everything changed. There is still evil in the world, but there is hope, life and power far greater than all the suffering and all the ugly. The darkness of this world makes His light even brighter. I saw it as an 11 year old, when His love rushed in and captured my heart. I had a choice to either let Him heal my deep wounds, restore my soul, and walk along side me in the suffering and brokeness... Or I could continue to grow inward, alone, angry, and despairing without hope, with my eyes only focused on all the darkness surrounding me. I wanted victory. I wanted healing and I wanted to be one of the people who could walk into the darkness with the power of Jesus and bring His light and love and hope, joy and comfort into suffering, into the broken, into the pain. It's an everyday choice - focus on all the suffering and injustice in the world OR focus on Jesus, the Almighty God who faithfully walks through all the darkness with us into healing, hope, a deep satisfaction and love only found in Him.

      In that moment, as I laid on my bed and turned my face toward God, and poured out my heart, anger, fear, and all the feelings, I knew that walking with Him in my life was going to be infinitely better than living without Him. That was the beginning of me letting God invade my life and letting him be King of my heart. He took His place my heart and my life changed forever. His love washed over me, He comforted my broken heart, He healed some of my deepest wounds and He breathed new life into my hard heart.

      Over time the loss of my sister has become less painful but not less significant. God in His own beautiful way has given me sweet every day reminders of Sarah in the face of my daughter Lily, the sparkle in her blue eyes and her long wavy blonde hair. The most healing thing for me has been the gift of my girls. Watching them grow up together as sisters and friends has helped me let go of my guilt and remember the sweet memories of my childhood...  Sarah eating watermelon on the porch, playing in the back yard, and swinging from the top bunk into her bed to talk late at night. I won't ever understand why God let everything unfold as it did, but I do know that God was present through it all and is accomplishing beautiful things in my life despite the darkness.

     It's not about asking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" It's about looking around and being thankful that we never have to suffer alone - thankful for the light, thankful for strength to endure, thankful for comfort, thankful for the hope, thankful that there is victory. The real question is, "Where would I be without Him in this dark world?"

The truth is, I never want to know.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

      With all the craziness that is happening all over the world now: war, terrorist attacks, corruption, the uncertainty in politics... even the darkness that touches the everyday lives of people I love through sickness, cancer, joblessness, divorce, betrayal, hurt, broken relationships, depression, anxiety, and fear... it's a season where I find myself pulling people I love a little closer, saying "I love you's" when I feel it in my heart to be said, and loving people freely and deeply with the love of Jesus. The love and light of Jesus is the only thing that can bring hope, comfort, and peace to the world. His love is a miraculous thing, it is a powerful thing - It can transform, saturate, heal, comfort, and restore you wherever you are. Just turn your face towards Him.  Open up the lines of communication. He can handle everything you have to say, He already knows it. A life transformed by His love is freedom. Step out of your fear, anger and isolation.

Let Him transform you. 
Then watch His love transform the world around you in a beautifully miraculous way.


"May the Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
 








   

Unfailing perfect LOVE

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

 I have been doing a lot of processing these days.

       I am an internal processor, so I tediously think over the things crowding my mind about a thousand times before I am ready to verbally process. Then, I word vomit all my processed thoughts to whoever is sitting in my living room or standing in my kitchen at just the right moment... for this moment God provided my beautiful sister Connie. He is good like that. He always knows just what we need and exactly who we need at just the right moment. He has provided me with an amazingly gracious sister that has in a way grown up with me in our adult lives. She loves me deeply, knows me inside and out, and believes in me. For a very predestined moment last week she kindly sat on the couch across from me, listened intently and carefully, and then filled my heart and home with wise words, godly encouragement, affirmation and precious, timely, council.

        Isn't that just a glimpse into what we all need in the deepest core of our beings? We all long to be known, heard, and loved in an unfailing way. No matter who we are, how we process, what roads we've walked, or where we have landed. There is nothing our hearts long for more than unfailing love.

       For many different seasons of my life I love looked to fill this longing in my heart in many different capacities; with my family growing up, friends, boyfriends, mentors, my husband, my children.... I am well aware of the gaping hole in my soul that longs to be loved in an unfailing, unchanging, relentless, all encompassing, all understanding, all knowing, completely unconditional  kind of way. We were created, woven together and intricately formed as unique and beautiful individuals with one main purpose, to love and be loved.

        It seems as though things are in a state of constant change in my life. In every season I need to revisit this very foundational concept and realign my expectations and priorities in a way that is most beneficial for my heart, the people I love, and the kingdom. It's a crucial concept, that I must cling to and embrace to be all that God created me to be in each season. I was made to crave, desire, and hunger for unfailing love. We were all created to wholeheartedly long for the unfailing love of our Creator. His love is the only perfect love. We were made to be loved by Him.

"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first" 
- Oswald Chambers

      All sorts of things go wrong when I try and put the expectations of being loved in a perfect and unfailing way on anyone other than the One who formed my inner most being. He knows me fully, and longs to be the first I run to, the first I seek, my first love, and the desire of my heart. Every one of my longings is met in His love. All He desires is that I receive His love and love Him back with all I am. The most beautiful part is that even though my love for Him is flawed, broken, and imperfect, it is PRECIOUS to Him, treasured by the One who does love in the post pure and perfect way. The absolute only way for our souls to find complete satisfaction, wholeness, unfailing, unconditional love is to daily seek and embrace Jesus.

       My other tendency is to put it upon myself to love others perfectly. As much as l pour out, spread myself thin, and kill myself trying to be everything everyone needs in this moment...I will fall short, let myself down and let others down. I can not be everything to all the people in my life in every season. The best and most powerful thing that God has taught me, and sometimes reteaches me, is to wake up every morning and pray these things...

- God, help me to love whoever You put right in front of my face today with YOUR love. 
- Let me not seek out more than You have for me, I whole heartedly trust that You will care for and love the people I cannot today at a greater and more powerful capacity than I ever could. I entrust them to you.
- Holy Spirit, guide me. Help me not miss any opportunity You put in front of me, give me Your wisdom, discernment and love.
- Fill me with the miraculous love of Jesus today. 

     As we seek Him to be the sole desire of our hearts, and allow Him to love us the way we were made to be loved, our satisfied hearts pour over with love for others. A deep, rich, intentional, beautiful kind of love that He uses to miraculously change the lives of others. His love changed my life, and I know that when I extend it to others it changes them. It's not me. The best way that I can love others is by being fully satisfied in Him and then allowing that love to change me, fill me, and pour out.

"All a persons ways seem right to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:2-3

         As I said before, I have been doing a lot of processing. I have been looking at my life, evaluating what I've accomplished, making plans and goals for the future, searching my heart, my motives, and longing to make the most of my life. It all seems so complicated, but the truth is simple. I don't want to have any regrets about how I spend my days. I can over think it, over plan, stress and strive and let all the expectations of what I want to achieve crush me. The best life I can live, the most effective and life changing thing I can teach my children, the truest way I can love the bride, the most impactful way for me to love the every person in my little world... is to keep things simple. Love God, love others... and trust that if I am seeking the Lord He will take me on the fulfilling journey planned out just for me, my needs, my desires, my hopes, my dreams. He knows me better than I know myself, my greatest desire is to align myself with His plans. I have never regretted a single day spent loving the Him and loving others. It may sound over simplified, but it is profoundly powerful to spend your life loving the people God brings to it. Nothing has been more effective in my life than when the Lord poured out His love on me through my time with Him or through a beautiful person in my life. Every interaction we have is an opportunity to love. There is no greater way to live your life than to point people to its truest and most perfect source.

"As the Father has loved Me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love... I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay one's life for one's friends." John 15:9,11-13